Fantasy Football Player Review

I have three fantasy football teams. It’s hard to track three teams, so I’ve decided to just track players and root the hardest for the ones I have the most on my combined teams. Everyone knows that rooting hard is the main reason players do well. I’ll list the player and use a super code to help in determining which of the three teams he plays for.

A is for team Reek’s Missing Peen

Team Summary: This is the league I co-founded and my buy-in is $50, which I don’t traditionally pay until almost the end of the season because I’m a jerk. This league has mostly family and friends, so bragging rights matter here.

B is for team Shut Up JJ Watt

Team Summary: This is another buy-in league that I don’t pay into until way later in the season because I’m still a jerk. This league is mostly friends and other assorted people I barely know.

C is for team Shut Up Russ Wilson

Team Summary: This is a free league with co-workers, so I have to watch my mouth and don’t really care about it.

QB:

Tom Brady, NE (A B) – Great, I’m rooting for Tom Brady in both of my money leagues. That’s the point though, when money is on the line, I’ll root for anyone.

Teddy Bridgewater, MIN (A)

Eli Manning, NYG (B) – Actually picked him over Brady when we all thought Brady was going to sit four games. #genius

Joe Flacco, BAL (B)

Russell Wilson, SEA (C) – Ugh, this guy. This was an accidental pick because I moved away from my computer and rushed my pick and clicked on the wrong dude.

Matthew Stafford, DET (C)

WR:

Dex Bryant, DAL (A)

Vincent Jackson, TB (A)

Devin Funchess, CAR (A) – I REALLY like saying, “Honey Funchess of O’s”

Percy Harvin, BUF (A)

Calvin Johnson, DET (B C) – Seriously, why is this guy going so cheap?

Steve Smith, BAL (B)

Terrance Williams, DAL (B)

Martavis Bryant, PIT (B) – LOVE saying Martavis!

Allen Robinson, JAX (C) – No clue who this dude is.

Larry Fitzgerald, ARI (C)

Charles Johnson, MIN (C) – Really, never heard of him, either.

Brian Quick, STL (C) – Reminds me of DJ Quik and that makes me smile.

RB:

Christine Michael, DAL (A B C) – Cheap insurance and if he does well, I’ll never stop talking about having him, thrice.

Latavius Murray, OAK (A) – Who?

TJ Yeldon, JAX (A) – What’s a TJ Yeldon?

Tevin Coleman, ATL (A) – First I’ve heard of him.

Ryan Mathews, PHL (A)

Devonta Freeman, ATL (A)

Jamaal Charles, KC (B) – He likes “A” so much he has it three times in his name.

Justin Forsett, BAL (B) – El. Oh. El. at this guy being a top rated RB, NFL.

Joseph Randle, DAL (B C) – Is this the guy involved in the “Spray Tan” thing?

Bishop Sankey, TEN (B)

Melvin Gordon, SD (C) – Dude has the dorkiest name, ever.

Doug Melvin, TB (C)

Rashad Jennings, NYG (C)

TE:

Rob Gronkowski, NE (A C) – Ugh. He’s like my 2 year old nephew in that he acts stupid because people laugh but then goes WAY too far to the point he looks like a 2 year old.

Delanie Walker, TEN (B)

Tyler Eifert, CIN (B)

Owen Daniels, DEN (C)

K:

Blair Walsh, MIN (A)

Steven Hauschka, SEA (B)

Matt Prater, DET (C)

DST:

Green Bay (A)

Carolina (B C)

Thursday Rant Day: NFL Predictions

So I’ve been lazy this week on writing because it’s a short week and I’ve been busy. I’m not really apologizing, because I am my target audience and I totally understand my reasoning, I’m just throwing that information out there for myself.

This is the first week of the NFL season! About f*cking time. Maybe we can all get a little less news about Roger Goodell, Tom Brady, domestic violators (that’d be you, 49ers), and all the Man Soap Opera shit that gets really old right around March. Don’t get me wrong, I eat it all up like any other sap because I’m ‘Murican, but it’s old and tiresome.

I do feel that I should chime in on the topics mentioned above, so I’ll get that over with really quick:

• I can’t stand Goodell and I love it when he looks stupid. He is the villain of the Man Soap Opera.
• Brady is a douche-bro that I hate because he’s living The Dream and I’m not. (Haterz Gonna Hate!)
• Domestic Violence and the 49ers are both deplorable and I support neither. (Seriously, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HIT ANYONE, ESPECIALLY PEOPLE 20-TIMES SMALLER THAN YOU, ASSHOLES!)

With that out of the way, lets get to the games!

Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots: Are you f*cking kidding me, NFL? Not only does the first game of the season exclude the Seahawks (because Pete Carroll is an idiot), but it involves the two teams that beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. What a great sign! I’m sure this won’t be a cursed season, at all. God, I already hate football. The Patriots will beat the Steelers and everyone else this season because God hates everyone and they’re mad, which means 16-0. Great! Patriots 24 Steelers 17.

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears: The Battle of the Fatass Fan Bases! I wonder if these two teams have ever played each other before. Of course they have, a million times, which means we’ll all get to hear great stories about their fans and their rivalry. You like black and white pictures! Oh boy, are you in luck! They’ll probably wheel out some near-dead, totally CTE brain dead, guy to talk about the game as an added bonus. I’m willing to bet there will be mention of how the game was better (whiter) back in the old days (whiter days) and how players played the game “The Right Way” (whitely). Packers 24 Bears 17.

Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans: I HATE JJ WATT! He is the defensive Russell Wilson with his fake persona. Golly gee, JJ sure loves the game and plays it THE RIGHT WAY! Did you hear JJ lives in a humble log cabin during the off season? (Hint: It’s not humble at all, it’s luxurious so can it, asshole!) Ugh, this is the third lame game in a row, off to a stellar start, NFL. Texans 24 Chiefs 17.

Cleveland Browns at New York Jets: God, this is a great match up if you like to laugh at the elderly, punch babies, and vote for Donald Trump (POLITICAL and TOPICAL!) Neither team has a QB, both teams thrive in shittiness. Jets 0 Browns 0 Fans -100.

Indianapolis Colts at Buffalo Bills: C’mon with these games! The only interesting things about this game are Andrew Luck’s beard and Rex Ryan’s foot fetish. That’s it. This game would be better if it were played in December because watching the Colts play in the snow would be worth a few laughs. Colts 24 Bills 17.

Miami Dolphins at Washington Redskins:

Dolphins 24 Redskins 17.

Carolina Panthers at Jacksonville Jaguars: Finally, a game that’s at least aesthetically pleasing. These teams sport two of my favorite uniforms in football. Sadly, way too many of my fantasy football players play on these two teams which means I’m not winning shit this season. Cam Newton is still throwing to pretty much no one and Blake Bortles is the QB for the Jags, so this will be a fireworks display on offense (the really cheap safe and sane fireworks.) Panthers 24 Jaguars 17.

Seattle Seahawks at Los Angeles St. Louis Rams: A 10:00 AM PST game in St. Louis? Great of the NFL to stick it to the Seahawks once again. If having Pittsburgh and New England kicking off the season wasn’t enough, having the team start the season with a strong shot at a loss is. The Seahawks have gone 2-3 in St. Louis the last five seasons and the Rams have sucked all five of those seasons because St. Louis is cursed. In fact, between the Cardinals and the Rams, the Seahawks are 8-7 all-time in St. Louis, which is good if you ignore that the games were AGAINST THE CARDINALS AND THE RAMS! Rams 24 Seahawks 17.

New Orleans Saints at Arizona Cardinals: The Saints are going down the tubes and the Cardinals are Carson Palmer’s knee injury away from joining them. I used to like the Saints, a lot. Now? Not so much. Sean Payton is just too creepy to look at, he looks like an old man child. Just spooky. And the post-Katrina stuff is getting old. Look, I’m sure people mean well with these Katrina remembrances, and we’re going to have a million of them this season, but New Orleans isn’t fixed. We can all pat ourselves on the back, but if you feel something patting your back in New Orleans, you’re probably f*cked. Arizona will win this game because, hell, I don’t know, but they will not finish well because that’s their “thing”. Cardinals 24 Saints 17.

Detroit Lions at Los Angeles San Diego Chargers: Why is everyone down on Calvin Johnson? I don’t get it. Did a leg fall off or something? Last I checked he was still awesome, so why are people acting like he’s washed up? Ugh, the Chargers. It’s bad when the only thing people talk about when your team comes up are their uniforms, their wacky QB and his 20 kids, and a possible relocation. These two cities are polar opposites: one is gray, dingy and dead, and the other is sunny and so much fun no one even cares about football. Detroit will win, but will they really win? Lions 24 Chargers 17.

Tennessee Titans at Tampa Bay Bucanneers Bucaneers Buckanears Buccaneers: I’m 42 and still can’t spell Buccaneers. Lets see, this game features two rookie QB’s, which should be fun to watch. I don’t like either QB, so I’ll be rooting for defense. The Titans have the UGLIEST uniforms in football, by a mile. The Buccaneers have maybe the weirdest uniforms that just don’t feel right to look at. Buccaneers 24 Titans 17.

Cincinnati Bengals at Los Angeles Oakland Raiders: Can’t spell Cincinnati for shit, either. Apparently we’re at the Spelling Bee portion of the schedule. I’m losing steam here. These games are all pretty much terrible because we have no real clue how good or bad these teams are. “Experts” are idiots and there are always teams that shock you during the season. Maybe it’s time to talk about Brady’s balls again or something because that seems more interesting. No wonder fantasy football is so popular. Bengals 24 Raiders 17.

Baltimore Ravens at Denver Broncos: Hey look! It’s the Broncos with the second shittiest uniforms in football! This game is a perfect example of my last paragraph. Two years ago this was a big deal game. Now? It’s one that features Justin Forcett as a starting RB and noodle-arm Peyton Manning. The Broncos entire season depends on whether or not Manning can actually throw a football, which is crazy when you think about it. Millions upon millions of dollars invested in a team and the main man maybe can’t feel his throwing hand. Not smart. Broncos 24 Ravens 17.

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys: Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Cowboys 24 Giants 17.

Philadelphia Eagles at Atlanta Falcons: I’m really rooting for Chip Kelly only because I’d love to watch the NFL have to actually adapt and break from the mundane routine of NFL coaching. There was an article on how college isn’t producing NFL-ready QB’s. The common logic is that there are maybe five or six good QB’s a few mediocre ones and a ton of crappy ones. Instead of blaming college football, why not ask why coaches and teams aren’t adapting to the skill sets of incoming players? The league has done pretty much all it can to make life easy for QB’s, so maybe it’s time to start looking at asshole coaches. Eagles 24 Falcons 17.

Minnesota Vikings at San Francisco 49ers: F*cking really? This is the second Monday Night Football game? F*ck you NFL and Roger Goodell. Assholes. Vikings 24 49ers 17.

Weekend Movie Review and Assorted Musings

• First things first: there wasn’t an Exercise Review Friday because I was busy Thursday night and Friday night is for relaxing, not writing. I can sum it up like this – exercising was a pain in the ass. I ran once and did the stairs four days last week. This means that running this week is going to blow.

I watched four shitty movies this weekend so that you don’t have to. I don’t like false gravitas, but I will say that my greatness should be remembered for generations to come.

First shitty movie I watched (for you, remember) was Dumb and Dumber To. Ha ha ha! See what they did there with the movie title? Those humorous scamps! The easiest way to explain this movie is that it’s nearly exactly like the first version except the two leads are way older which makes the entire deal sad. It’s one thing for a young person to make funny voices and do stupid shit, but it’s pretty depressing to see an old person try to act young and look moronic. Harry looks lost and borderline mental and housing-impaired. Lloyd looks like Jim Carey and, lets face it, he’s just not funny anymore. Just a bad movie all around, don’t watch it.

• My dog Mia poops in twos and that’s weird to me. I mean, she poops once, wanders around, then poops again. Even my older dog Scube looks at her like she’s a bit “off”. I don’t understand this and that makes me uneasy. Whats she up do? What’s her plan with this method? It’s wrong and she needs to stop.

The second bad movie I watched was Sex Tape. I’ll allow this movie for a few reasons. Cameron Diaz running around semi-nude is okay in my book. Carry on, Cameron. There were some pretty funny parts in the movie along with some pretty funny actors like Rod Courdry, that one chick from The Office, and Rob Lowe. Let’s talk about Rob Lowe. His scene in the movie was hilarious. He plays a straight-laced business man (quite the stretch for him, I know) that winds up doing coke with Cameron. The best part was when he says he’s going to put some music on, you know, to lighten the mood, and then cranks Slayer. I will be doing this sooner than later. The plot was stupid and all that, but Lowe cranking Slayer to lighten the mood is just too funny.

• Preseason football is a waste of time and energy. They shouldn’t even show these shitty games, let alone charge suckers to attend them. This is a scam on the highest level, on the same level as Donald Trump running for president and me voting for him. (POLITICAL! TOPICAL!)

Let’s Be Cops was the third stupid movie I managed to watch. There were some funny parts but here’s the thing (ahhhh yeah), the shit they were doing was insanely illegal and hard to overlook. It’s hard to suspend belief to that level. These two leads put on cop uniforms, reply to distress calls, have a fake cop car that doesn’t have plates, and get involved in a huge conspiracy that includes a high ranking cop? And in the end, everyone shrugs their collective shoulders and everyone just goes on with life? There were funny parts and the leads worked well together, but it was just too stupid to enjoy.

• Painting is a messy, messy, messy job. I don’t recommend painting unless you like pulling dried paint from arm and leg hair. It’s stupid and painful. But on the other hand, my bedrooms look great and mine is probably really inviting for the ladies. You’re welcome, the ladies.

The last crapfest I watched was The Wedding Ringer. I don’t know if it’s because it was the last of the four movies I watched, but this movie made me mad. It was so contrived and cliche. This movie left me wondering how shit like this get made. Who green lights this shit? Who sits around and says, “Yes! Let’s make the millionth version of this tired ass shit and just plug two morons in to the lead roles.” These movies make me think that there’s a Madlibs thing they use in Hollywood where you use the same old story, add two opposites as leads, and then let the magic happen. Wait! Is that why they call these formula movies…the more you know. But seriously, f*ck The Wedding Ringer. I’m not done. In what world does Kelly Cuoco have sexy time with Josh Gad? Even better, in what world does Kelly Cuoco date and marry Leonard Hoffsteder on The Big Bang Theory? You know what? I quit, no more movies for me.

If you had to watch these movies because someone had a gun to your head, I’d rank them thusly:

1. Sex Tape – because naked Cameron Diaz and Rob Lowe doing lines of coke while blasting Slayer.
2. Let’s Be Cops – because someone had to be number two on this list.
3. The Wedding Ringer – because…
4. Dumb and Dumber To – …this movie was shitty on a whole ‘nother level.

Football Day: Fantasy Football Draft

No one gives a shit, Jason.

Since there are no games of meaning for a few more weeks, I’ve decided to recap my first of three fantasy football drafts.

STFU with this, Jason!

My first draft was this past Saturday for the Tacoma Aroma league. My team, Suck Z Ballz, finished 8 out of twelve teams last season. After this draft, I think another strong showing is due for this upcoming season, as well. I mean, the War Room at team Suck Z Ballz was electric Saturday after obtaining the number two overall pick. GM Jason Kelly received several calls from other GM’s with hopes of a draft day trade, but team Suck Z Ballz held firm and kept its pick.

With the number two overall pick, I selected Jamaal Charles. Some dipshit picked La’Veon Bell with the number one pick, so I essentially had the first overall selection. Marshawn Lynch was ranked the top prospect and Adrian Peterson would have been a natural choice for a team with Ballz in the name, but Charles seemed like the most non-homer safe pick.

My next pick was Calvin Johnson. I’m excited to welcome Megatron to the team and feel that he is a first round talent. But then again, I’m an idiot and Johnson will have a shitty season now. Also like how Johnson is a good fit for Team Ballz, if you really think about it.

With my third pick I snagged Justin Forsett only because he’s breathing and I wanted a running back that wasn’t LeSean McCoy or Melvin Gordon. Really an uninspired pick, but who cares?

In the fourth round I obtained the rights to Joseph Randle because the ability to breathe isn’t enough of a reason to have a lot of faith in Forsett. Essentially I selected two breathers in a row with the hopes one will not be a total shit show.

I picked Martavius Bryant for the only reason being that I really like the name Martavius. I never really heard of him until he showed up on my player list. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Next Man Up is Eli “Motherf*cking” Manning! I picked this asshole to fill a gap until…

…my number seven pick, Tom “Douche Bro” Brady comes off of suspension, whenever that is. I hate Eli so there’s no way he’ll scrape together a few good games and I’ll be conflicted in dumping his ass for Brady. Nope, it’s a safe bet that Eli or someone else will have managed to piss me off enough that even I will welcome Brady with open arms. Eli Manning: Making People Like Even Tom Brady.

After a review of my draft to this point, I realized that I didn’t have enough loose-cannon assholes on my team that are WAY past their prime, so I selected Steve Smith! If anything, I know Smith will smack Eli around in the locker room and make Brady think twice before he shows off his douche bag smirk.

Since I snagged Brady, I decided I’d get a friend to keep him company on the team, and that friend is Brandon LaFell. No idea if he’s any good, but you’ll soon see I went with the gaggle of shitty WR’s and QB’s route in this draft.

Beginning in the tenth round is where the great GM’s separate themselves from the lesser-GM’s. Anyone can pick Eli or Steve Smith in the first nine rounds, but it takes a genius to snag Delanie Walker in the tenth.

Since I have no idea what a Delanie Walker is, I decided to back him (?) up at TE with Tyler Eifert. I think I’ve had Eifert before because that name is funny and seems to have stuck with me. Other than name recognition, I have no idea who this guy is.

The steal of my drafting experience came in the 12th round as this 12th Man selected Steven “Holy Shit, He’s Awesome” Hauschka! This made my draft and locked it up as probably the best draft of the league. Sorry assholes, I win!

Before you think my homerism was fulfilled with my 12th pick, you’d be considered a moron and I’d laugh at you because I went and picked up a Bishop Sankey! Bow Down to Washington! I’ll throw him on the dumpster fire that is my RB platoon.

I have no idea who this Devin Funchess is, but apparently I picked him. Seriously, I know I picked him Saturday, but I still have no clue who he is.

With throwaway pick number one, I got Terrance Williams. I’ve had him before, so at least he knows my system and playbook?

Lastly, Suck Z Ballz’s Mr. Irrelevant is Joe Flacco! Now Smith has a friend on the team and I can decide between Flacco and Manning every week before Brady comes to the team.

I didn’t pick a defense because they are overrated and I like to pick based on weekly match ups. That’s ballsy, so respect my game.

That is my first draft, I hope you enjoyed it.

It’s finally over!

TV Review Day: Oz

Holy Shit!

SPOILERS!

Okay, first thing first – there aren’t spoilers for a show that is over ten years old! If you weren’t able to see this series in over a decade, you can manage a spoiler or two. I hate spoiler alerts. First off, what do people expect when they click on recaps? Why are they even looking for recaps when they haven’t seen whatever it is they are looking up in the first place, unless they have a desire to be spoiled. So shut up about spoilers, in fact, I pledge to never warn about spoilers.

Oz, what a doozy of a show. Man, where do I even start? “Oz” is the street name of the fictional Oswald State Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison set unofficially in New York State. The six-season run of the show ended in 2003 and featured an ensemble cast and, exciting for all, we get to see most of their penises! Hooray for penis enthusiasts everywhere! Also, hooray for prison rape aficionados, too. I tell you, if you like penises and prison rape, this show is for you!

For those of us that aren’t connoisseurs of penis and rape (NTTAWWT), Oz offers drama and creepy action(s). The show, sometimes ham-fistedly, covers all sorts of prison issues, social issues, prisoner rights, and love, I guess. Many cast members come and go, but there is a regular set of characters that we grow to, well, not love, but learn to tolerate. There are two groups of characters – faculty and prisoners.

The Faculty:

Warden Leo Glynn is a longtime employee at Oz that rose through the ranks to oversee the prison. Basically his character boils down to “I’m too old for this shit” so a lot of the time he just sits around reluctantly supporting his employees and prisoners.

Tim McManus runs “Emerald City” in Oz. Em City, as it’s called, is some sort of “make prison better” place that is still chock-full of abuse, violence, and rape. Tim is a stereotypical conflicted bleeding heart liberal that speaks of making prison life better as he continues to be the mayor of Rapeville. (Oh the emotional range his actor, Terry Kinney, fails to convey.) He likes to have sex with his coworkers and spends most of his time being a petty moron.

Sister Peter Marie Reimondo is a nun that, surprise surprise, deals with her faith in the face of the wacky shenanigans that occur in prison.

Father Ray Mukada teams up with the nun and McManus to make life somewhat better for the prisoners, but usually gets stuck in the middle of general goofery and such.

Correctional Officers are pretty plug-and-play with a few regulars. Ultimately, the CO’s randomly take turns at being dicks to the prisoners, sometimes participating in rape, sometimes being petty, and sometimes having a line or two that makes the viewer think they might just be okay, after all. Don’t buy it, though, the “screws” are evil, overall, and no one likes them.

The Prisoners:

Augustus Hill killed a cop during an apartment raid and was pushed off a building and left a paraplegic for his efforts. Hill is also the narrator of the show with these transition speeches between some scenes skits. These scenes are, ahem, F*CKING CORNY! I think I rolled my eyes every single time he gave some heavy-handed bit about this or that with the all-knowing wink and nod at the end to convey to the viewer that they were just given KNOWLEDGE!

Kareem Said is Muslim Imam that blew up a building once or something. He’s basically bounced around life trying to find himself, finally settling on Islam. He’s smart, he’s played by a good actor, and he’s corny as squirrel shit, too. He starts out as pro-black fella only to learn to befriend white devils, which ultimately leads to him being murdered by one…oh well, live and learn.

Miguel Alvarez came to Oz as a boring petty criminal but graduated to having a sweet soul, you know, after he killed a dude or two. He went crazy for a minute, and that was interesting.

Vernon Schillinger is your cartoonish Aryan Nation guy. Dude is pure evil, nothing redeemable about him or his ways. He loves to rape, enjoys inflicting pain on people, has a hobby in murder, and is batshit crazy. I mean, really, he’s a guy you want to die for the entire run of the show, yet he keeps on keeping on. Holy crap do I hate old Vern.

Tobias Beecher was out drunk driving and killed a young bicycle rider. He was a lawyer but quickly became a prison victim and love interest of Vern. Toby went from a whiny white collar Vern appeaser to a bad ass, to some sort of prison lawyer guy.

Ryan O’Reily is typical American Irish punk. He’s also Mayhem from the All State commercials, which is cool. He’s a little shit that is involved with everything that happens at the prison.

Review Continued:

Here’s the thing about Oz, there are so many idiotic coincidences and blatant bullshit scenarios that I sat there a lot of the time whispering, “Are you f*cking kidding me” or “Of course they wound up in Oz”. It’s as if Oz is the only prison option in this fictional world. That is the only way to explain all the stupidity.

Everyone knows everyone at Oz and if someone from the outside gets locked up, they’re going to Oz. Alvarez’s father and grandfather were in Oz. O’Reily’s idiot brother wound up in Oz (after O’Reily had his brother murder the husband of Oz’s lead doctor because he was in love with her.) One CO won the lottery off of an inmates numbers, ran off with $2-million, had a change of heart, and just came back to work his shift at Oz. One prisoner dug out two, TWO, tunnels and was allowed to stay in Em City after his plans failed. I’d think digging two tunnels would lead to life in solitary, but I’m no prison warden.

Back to O’Reily. So he fell in love with the lead doctor. She had a husband and was carrying on with McManus on the side because why not?. O’Reily figures that if her husband was gone, they’d be together. He gets his dimwit brother on the outside to kill the husband, everyone knows he did this and who made him do it, and he’s still sent to Oz and SHARES A CELL WITH HIS BROTHER!!! And the doctor? She stays at Oz! No transfer. No lawsuit. Nothing!

But it gets better. The doctor gets raped outside of Oz and everyone figures it’s O’Reily, who isn’t in solitary forever, and she STILL COMES BACK TO OZ! No transfer, no lawsuit. Jesus! Give me a break!

Oh, and O’Reily’s long lost mother decides to do community service, guess where, OZ!!! That’s right, O’Reily shares a cell with his brother and his mom volunteers at the prison. No conflict there, nope. Same prison that employs the doctor whose husband he put a hit out on.

What else? Oh yeah, people on death row at Oz either get executed super fast or never. There’s really no in between. Either you’re sentenced and executed in a few minutes or you’re on death row forever, or until your prison lawyer of the day (either Beecher or Said) gets you sprung.

God, this show sucked. From the stupid coincidences to the flopping peni to the rape. Pass on this show and save yourself.

Random Thoughts:

• Every show starts with HBO’s nudity warning, and I’d get excited every time I saw it, if only for a brief second, before my heart would sink because this show has the wrong sort of nudity.
• Really, Vern was so creepy and shitty. I hated him and his smugness. He’s one of those wacky people that think they’re correct and just.
• The governor makes way too many visits to Oz. It’s like Oz is the only public enterprise in the show. I doubt my own governor can even spell prison no less visit one every three days or so. He also picked the warden of the prison to be his Lt. Governor. Gee, where can I get a Lt. Governor? Prison, of course.
• Everyone dies in Oz yet the Feds are nowhere to be seen. Seriously, civilians go to Oz and get murdered and it’s like “Welp, this is Oz, yo, shit be happenin’ at Oz, wonder what’s for lunch?”
• Really, a bus full of civilian visitors crashes on the way to Oz and the basic response, save for story line fodder, is  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Exercise Review Day: How the Hell Did I Get Here?

Stupid Foot

How the Hell Did I Get Here?

Last May I broke my left foot, they called it a pseudo-jones fracture, also known as the “Dancer’s Fracture”. This happened on a trail run, coming around a corner on loose gravel. There was a slip, then a twist, then my entire left foot folded sideways and upside-down. A tendon in my leg (you can feel yours, it’s on the outside of your lower leg) tried to save my body from falling, tightened up, and snapped my foot near the pinky toe.

Takes a while to recover from this break for several reasons. One reason is that blood really doesn’t flow to your pinky toe so it doesn’t heal very fast, if at all. Another reason is that it’s your f*cking foot, you don’t know how much you use your foot until you can’t. And the final reason for the slow recovery is that it’s call a “Dancer’s Fracture” which is humiliating to the point that your body is too ashamed to fix itself.

Stupid Cast

I ditched my cast at the end of July last year and did a slow rehab routine, but I rushed it. I came back too fast and it caused all sorts of other issues because the rest of my left leg didn’t get a chance to build up, too (you don’t use the other supporting muscles when a foot is broken, I guess…lazy ass muscles.). My footsie was fine but my upper and lower leg started causing troubles, my gait was thrown off to the point of being too painful to walk at times, and my back started talking to me. Because I basically reinjured my foot (not a break, but A LOT of pain), I did what any reasonable American would do – I gave up, drank too much, got lazy, and got fat.

I’ve cleaned myself up and have started another comeback. This one will be much slower and my goals will be different. My old goals were to return to running half marathons and then do a full marathon. Those are bullshit goals because I don’t like DOING much of anything for 2-5 hours straight, especially running. Besides, I’m old, I want to smell the roses, not hang out with people that don’t wear tampons during marathons or whatever.

My new goal is to complete the full Wonderland Trail hike around Mount Rainier. I had a permit to complete the trail last year but, well, I broke my foot. The trail is about 93 miles and requires cool things like food caches and food drops. I’ll feel like a wilderness spy on some covert operation in North Korea. I would try to summit the mountain but I’m terrified of walking across ladders over crevasses, so walking around the mountain is just fine.

Nope

No Damn Way

Oh Hell No

I will describe the trail plan later on, and I plan on writing about my hike when it happens next year, but for now I think it’ll be fun to document and ridicule myself on my second rehab mission. It’ll be a slow process but an interesting one since I do nothing the easy way and I usually only learn from idiotic failures. It’s not fun if I’m the only person making fun of me, so I feel the need to share.

So, have at me, assholes.

The Leftovers: The Review (S1E1)

Where to even begin?

So, on October 14, three years in the past, 2% of the world’s population up and disappeared. Mommies, daddies, babies, everyone, vanished.

-POOF-

‘Muricans, Vietnamese, Egyptians, Muslims, Christians, Jews, white people, black people, gay people, straight people, smart people, stupid people, stakeholders, clients, homeless people, rich people, people certified to operate motorized vehicles, people with poor driving records, Gary Busey, one of those popes, and even Kate Winslet (Probably, because I know if I were in charge of snatching people mysteriously, she’d be on the short list. Not that I think about those things, just saying is all) all just vanished.

Where’d they all go? What was the meaning of this? Is this some sort of joke? Is it those kids from the block up to their shenanigans again? IS IT!?! SO HELP ME, IF IT’S THEM I’M GOING TO BEAT THEIR ASSES!

Ahem…

People vanished and three years have passed and of course, humans being humans, we’ve gone and made something confusing even more confusing by just making shit up. It was God, it was aliens, it was my God, not your God, blah blah blah (example – see Middle East).

We’ve got people that are all broken hearted and lost, like the Chief of Police of Maple-something and his family. We’ve got weird ass cult people, like these ones in Maple-something that only wear white clothing, smoke cigarettes all the damned time, and don’t talk, at all, which includes the Chief’s wife. We’ve got horny people that like to do the drugs and play spin the iPhone, like the Chief’s daughter. We’ve got a sassy mayor (I said sassy because she’s black and a woman and she is seemingly a strong character and is running shit, so by law she’s sassy, not just the mayor of Maple-something). We’ve got some strange desert cult that fixes congressmen or something that involves the Chief’s son. We’ve got dickhead cable newscasters. Basically, we have everything we have now except baby Timmy and honey-buns Bernice are just vanished and the Chief of Police’s family is all up in it.

Oh yeah, the show centrally takes place in some small town called Maple-something, New York. Also, the Chief of Police might be the main character. Forgot to mention that.

Basically, the pilot episode of this show is setting the table for drama, mystery, and probably a shitload of twists and turns. All anyone needs to know is the stuff I’ve already mentioned.

What I liked: The characters seem interesting and the actors appear capable of pulling off the illusion of the story. No one seems too campy or is going through the motions with a smirk on their face. I like that there is no answer as to what caused the vanishing, meaning this isn’t some religious attempt at scaring me to church because I’M NOT GOING! And, so far, people seem to be as utterly confused as they should be, looking for answers, making up answers, or numb to the entire answer process.

What I didn’t like: When an HBO show says there will be nudity, that doesn’t mean we want to see a bunch of male asses. Where were the bewbs, HBO? Also, we don’t want the borderline, almost going to be female nudity, to be performed by the supposed teen characters. I’m not some sort of sicko. They also seem to have issues with dogs, meaning some dogs saw the shit that went down during the vanishing and went bonkers, so some mysterious stranger has taken it upon himself to just start killing dogs…that ain’t right, yo.

To summarize: I liked it, it was a good start. HBO needs to earn their nudity warning or else a strongly written rambling letter will be arriving in their mailbox.

What If They Didn’t Go With Seahawks?

While watching the Mighty Mariners triumph over an inferior opponent behind the stellar pitching of King Felix Sunday, my daughter brought up an article she read about alternative names that were being considered by fans for the team that would become the Seattle Seahawks. I decided that this needed to be looked up and explored. The possibilities were seemingly endless, yet fans decided to name the team after something that doesn’t technically exist.

According to the Seahawks site, there was a huge fan vote with 20,365 entries suggested 1,741 team names. Supposedly around 250 people randomly came up with Seahawks and that was what the team went with. Fans of the team have seen these names at different times over the years, but many, like me, probably haven’t really put the suggested names with “Seattle” and considered how history would have been different if “Seahawks” didn’t win the day.

Before I go through some of the names, I need to state that I think “Seattle Seahawks” is awesome on many levels. Seahawks aren’t even a thing. There aren’t any seahawks flying around Seattle or anywhere else in the world. Sure, ospreys are birds that are sometimes called a sea hawk, or a fish eagle, or a river hawk, or a fish hawk, but really, sea hawk is a nickname, making the team’s nickname a nickname. That’s all kinds of weird. I suppose it’s sort of like the Washington Redskins, but WAY less offensive? But the team took it to another level by bringing sea and hawk together to make it look like a seahawk is something, but it’s not.

The Seattle Ospreys would have been a cool name. We’d probably call them the “O’s”, have verbal altercations with Baltimore baseball fans, and the pluralization of the name would have been confusing or pretentious, and that really sums up Seattle.

Anyway, here I go…

Some of the names make no sense, at all. The Seattle Aardvarks? Nothing says “Seattle” like some African animal, right? Also, the name just sounds clunky. The name does serve a purpose, the purpose the name aardvark always serves – being first. Congrats, your name is asinine, but you’re first!

Some names are REALLY Seattle specific. The Seattle Aero-Techs point to Boeing. The Seattle Alkis name out a beach along a part of the city. I’m sure Alki has some great Native American meaning, but I don’t really care, all I know is that somehow the name would easily come to be connected with alcoholism which would get old, just as old as “Cock” gear for South Carolina Gamecocks got.

The Seattle Apple Knockers is funny and locally-themed, as is the Seattle Aqua-Ducks, Seattle Bumpershoots, Seattle D.B. Coopers, Seattle Space Needlers, Seattle Nordy’s Bests, Seattle Chinook Passers, Seattle Blue Sounders, Seattle Queen City Quinaults, Seattle Pike Street Misfits, Seattle Montlakes, Seattle 747’s, and the Seattle Royal Broughams.

Hey, did you know it’s shitty and rainy up here in the Pacific Northwest? The fans do and they want to tell the world all about it with the Seattle Aqua-Ducks, Seattle Clouds, Seattle Cloudbursts, Seattle Cumulo Nimbos, Seattle Drizzlers, Seattle Puddle Jumpers, Seattle Rainbirds, Seattle Rainy Ramblers, Seattle Rain-Dears, Seattle Raining Suns, Seattle Rain Gods, Seattle Rainbeams, Seattle Sun Dodgers, Seattle Soggies, and Seattle Weather Beaters.

Jesus, we get it, it rains here, wonderful and relevant observation, assholes.

Hey, fans like animals, too, with names like the Seattle Anchovies, Seattle Abominable Snowmen, Seattle Alki Ants (ENOUGH, WEST SEATTLE), Seattle Billy Goats, Seattle Bigfoots, Seattle Catamounts, Seattle Bronze Bobcats (because screw a Silver Bobcat, right?), Seattle Bay Hawks, Seattle Cockatoos (“Bro, check out my Seattle ‘Cocks jersey, bro!”), Seattle Crabs (“Bro, look at my jersey, I’ve got crabs, bro!”), Seattle Frogs, Seattle Flounders, Seattle Ferrets, Seattle Hammerheads, Seattle Halibut Heads, Seattle Koala Bears (weak), Seattle Killer Whales (awesome), Seattle Mongooses (most likely aligns with when Rikki Tikki Tavi was popular, so, TOPICAL!), Seattle King Krabs, Seattle Pachyderms, Seattle Orangutans, Seattle Nanuks, Seattle Running Salmon, Seattle Sea Urchins, Seattle Sheep, Seattle Silver Sasquatches (because screw Gold Sasquatches!), Seattle Sperm Whales, Seattle Salamanders, Seattle Squids, Seattle Scampi, Seattle Ticks, Seattle Shrimps, and Seattle Toads.

Some names are just stupid and probably have some stupid ass hidden meaning or message that IS GOING TO MAKE A POINT! The Seattle About Timers (Derrr, about time we got a team!), Seattle Cool Dudes (Really, no clue. Maybe something something millionaires?), Seattle City Slickers (See! We’re a real city!), Seattle Diarrheas (Dual message – Sports are shit & ‘Murican’s can’t spell!), Seattle Ding Dongs (God, who knows?), Seattle Lucky Loggers (Something about lumber job losses, I’m sure. YAWN.), Seattle Peckerwoods, Seattle Puget Puffers (Because we get high all the time here, y’all! Right? Hello?), Seattle Peacemakers (Are we talking pro-missiles or anti-war? Typical mixed-message, Seattle hippies.), Seattle Red Tide (Not a shout-out to Alabama, it’s bitching about the environment.), Seattle Sleazies, Seattle Scoundrels, Seattle Stiletoes (We like strippers?), Seattle Saints ‘n Sinners (Rolls off the tongue and really makes you think, man.), Seattle Waumpums, Seattle Third Degree, and Seattle Trafficjammers.

There were some missed-opportunity gems, though. I love the Seattle Vampires, the Seattle Cutthroats, the Seattle Green State Geoducks, and the Seattle Salty Dogs. I LOVE anything named after the magnificent geoduck!

Well, that was a fun lunchtime exercise. I like the Seattle Seahawks, but the Seattle Geoducks would have been the absolute best. So many songs! So much gear! Just a fun time for all.

(My daughter goes to The Evergreen State University College (oops) and this is what they’ve done with the mascot “geoduck”, from Wikipedia: “The geoduck is the official mascot of The Evergreen State College, located at the southernmost tip of Puget Sound in Olympia, Washington. The school’s Latin motto, Omnia Extares (or, “let it all hang out”) is at least partially intended as a tongue-in-cheek reference to the creature’s phallic appearance.”)

World Cup Review Update

So many people are willing to make predictions, but very few actually go back and review their mistakes. Even fewer do so while their predictions are in progress. What I’m about to do may make me a hero in the eyes of children, women will faint as I pass by, and men will idolize me and try to copy my style. There will be poems created in my honor, there’ll be a book deal, and movie rights will be sold.

Anyways, I’m just trying to catch up where the World Cup has gone and where it’ll go. This also offers up more opportunity to say slanderous things about places I’ve never been and about people I’ll never meet, and that makes me super ‘Murican.

And a quick reminder/disclaimer:

1. I know VERY, VERY, VERY little about soccer. I call it soccer, to begin with, so that means I’m ‘Murican, and that means I know nothing. I could be the smartest ‘Murican soccer fan alive and I’d still be less knowledgeable than a seven-year-old Mexican kid when it comes to soccer. (Soccer, and life, probably. Those kids have seen things.)
2. Because the World Cup involves the rest of the world, and I know so little about soccer, I will be making generalizations based on my comically misinformed understanding of everything outside of ‘Murica. I will essentially replace all soccer knowledge with “facts” about countries I know only through news stories and Rick Steves.
3. I’m an asshole.
4. I’m not smart.
5. I make my picks in sports based on how I want my team to do. Do you even know how many times I’ve picked the Washington Huskies to win the NCAA basketball tournament? How about every time they’ve been in it. Because I’m stupid, see?
6. The stereotypical ideal I have for a nation’s female population matters…it matters the most, which is why I skew towards South American teams.

Game 49 – I picked Brazil to beat Spain in this game. I got the Brazil being there part correct, so I’m a genius, but I blew it on Spain. Yin-Yang, right? Brazil actually plays Chile, and I still think Brazil advances. Why? They’re fun to watch, their women are amazingly beautiful, and they’re the hosts. I don’t know what sort of defensive alignment either team has, I have no clue who Chile’s best player is, but I do know all about Brazilian asses and the magic developed in the Amazon that involves wax.

Game 50 –  I NAILED this game! I got both teams right, Uruguay and Columbia, and I picked Uruguay to win…but that was before Vampire McBiterson went all Hannibal on some Italian dude. Here’s the thing, though, why does everyone hate Luis Suarez? I certainly don’t. I like assholes in sports, especially when they don’t impact me in any way. Suarez bites an Italian? Who gives a shit? Screw Italy! To hell with Italy! Dude bites Clint Dempsy? We’ve got problems. So, until Suarez bites an American, I’m entertained and I approve of his outlandish behavior. I don’t think Uruguay wins this game now. Oh well, I’m sticking with my pick! Uruguay wins!

Game 51 – I picked Netherlands to beat Croatia for this game…oops. It’s actually Mexico that take on the Dutch. Croatia shat the bed and did not make it past the group stage – sad trombone. I’m still picking Netherlands to win this game, but now it’ll be a bit more fun watching Mexico lose. That Mexico coach is an asshat. Why? Not because of the shit he says or any of that, it’s because the man has no neck. I don’t trust anyone that doesn’t have a neck. It’s creepy. No, a man must have a neck.

Game 52 – I went with the Ivory Coast over Italy. Turns out Costa Rica and Greece are going to be playing this game instead. Look, I really don’t like Greece. It just seems like a smelly country. On the other hand, moving to Costa Rica sounds wonderful. Warm beaches, proximity to Brazil, people speak English, what’s not to love about our neighbors to the south? I’ll go with Costa Rica over boring ass Greece. No one cares about your cyclops stories or multiple gods, Greece.

Game 53 – I picked France over Nigeria – NAILED IT! Yes! I’m sticking with the Blue Cocks (that’s what France is called, right?) I like jerseys with chickens on them. Isn’t there a thing going on that’s pretty bad in Nigeria? Shouldn’t this be a bigger thing? I don’t care for the French, in general, but I do still enjoy that a universal dislike of the country seems to be a glue-that-binds for ‘Muricans. (The hell does glue-that-binds even mean? Crack is a helluva drug.)

Game 54 – I went with Germany over Russia but the Commies decided to let Algeria take their place and that’s nice of them. I’m sticking with Germany because they are pretty good at this soccer business. I really don’t care for Algeria and I don’t know why. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. But it’s way down on the list of things that qualify me as a bad person, probably below “hates cats” and above “hates babies”.

Game 55 – Argentina over Ecuador has been replaced with Argentina over Switzerland. God, I love Argentina! I have no idea why I am so drawn to the place, exactly, but I know it involves steak. They have the best cow meat on TV, I tell you. Oh, and they have the greatest player in the world on their team, and that’s a positive. As for the Swiss? Meh, no one cares. Don’t get me wrong, I still like their cheese, chocolate, and braided blondes, but they’re no Argentina.

Game 56 – Did pretty well, again, and went with USA over South Korea. I’m going to say the USA beats Belgium because they put mayonnaise on their fries. That’s just gross. I know it’s cliche and it gets brought up all the time, but it’s just really gross. Sometimes we overlook world atrocities because we’ve just gotten used to them (like that whole Nigeria thing), but mayo on fries is horrible and needs to be in the back of our minds at all times. And also, USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

I think I did pretty well, considering I know jack shit about soccer. I got 9 of the 16 teams into the knock-out stage, which I wouldn’t have bet a dime on.

My Day of Old

Today is the first day of my vacation and it has been one of constant reminders that I’m old. It makes me laugh, most of the time, so this isn’t all a sad bastard thing, it’s mostly me logging it all.

First thing is that I have zero vacation plans. When I was younger I’d have the next week and a half packed full of activities. Now? Nope. But I did have plans. Was going to originally hike  the Wonderland Trail, but decided against that because it’s most likely snowy and snow is too cold for my brittle bones. Then I was going to hike a coastal trail but then I broke those aforementioned brittle bones while running.

Summary so far, before even waking up for my vacation: One hike cancelled for being too cold, the other because I broke my foot running. Not karate fighting, not saving a cat from a tree, I broke my foot running.

I woke up at 9:21. It’s vacation, I have no plans, and can’t even physically do most things I’d prefer doing, so why wake up before noon? Who am I trying to impress? Where do I need to go? I woke up  at 9:21 because that’s what old people do. In fact, 9:21 is the old man version of noon.

My biggest plan of the day was to get my hair cut. Woo-hoo! Hooray! Haircut time!

Haircuts are a man’s big reminder of aging.

I used to go to the barber randomly because who plans on getting a haircut? Now I plan them a week in advance and make an appointment. There’s even a sense of satisfaction to watch my hair grow knowing I’m about to time the cut at the exact right time. That hair will NOT have time to rest at ease on my ears! I’ve got plans to halt any such laziness of my hair at the expense of my ears.

The haircut used to just be about shortening hair on top of my head. It grew fast and it grew on the top of my head, the back of my head, and the sides of my head.

Now?

Ugh.

Now after the barber cuts the hair that grows where it’s supposed to be, he walks around in front of me and takes clippers and comb to my face, but not for the beard or mustache. Nope, the barber is going after my eyebrows. I also forgot to mention that for some reason his clippers spend a lot of time bumping into my ears. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he actually puts the clippers to my ears, but that’s insanity, right? Hair doesn’t grow on ears, right?

After the eyebrow shaming, the guy gets to cleaning up the neck. This is pretty normal, no biggie, hair grows on necks. Ah, but where the neck cleanup ends drops as you age. When they used to clean the neck, they barely had to adjust my collar to get at the job. Now it feels like I’m being gently disrobed as the poor guy has to sink lower and lower to get at the ever-dropping neck hair/back hair line.

When I was all cleaned up and looking funky fresh, I went to my favorite place to watch soccer. World Cup starts today and I figured I’d watch that since I’ve got nothing else to do. The place I like to go had a giant tent in the parking lot, so parking was a bitch. Yup, I was silently annoyed with the parking at a place. It was one in the afternoon, I’ve got nothing to do, but parking is an issue?

Once I get into the place, it’s packed. Wall to wall people. There are a lot of people huddled up to watch the most popular sport in the world during it’s most popular event. How dare they? Anyway, I find a place but the seat was too uncomfortable, but I’m hungry and I did park far away, might as well eat. I don’t need a menu because I get the same thing every time.

After I eat and settle in to watch the remaining minutes of the game, the last reminder of age kicked in…

…I was sleepy

Shoot me.

So I struggle to make it through the game. I get home and promptly settle into a nice afternoon nap.

That’s my old man log for the day. All in all, it was a great day. Probably one of the best first days of vacation I’ve had in a long time.