- First things first: there wasn’t an Exercise Review Friday because I was busy Thursday night and Friday night is for relaxing, not writing. I can sum it up like this – exercising was a pain in the ass. I ran once and did the stairs four days last week. This means that running this week is going to blow.
I watched four shitty movies this weekend so that you don’t have to. I don’t like false gravitas, but I will say that my greatness should be remembered for generations to come.
First shitty movie I watched (for you, remember) was Dumb and Dumber To. Ha ha ha! See what they did there with the movie title? Those humorous scamps! The easiest way to explain this movie is that it’s nearly exactly like the first version except the two leads are way older which makes the entire deal sad. It’s one thing for a young person to make funny voices and do stupid shit, but it’s pretty depressing to see an old person try to act young and look moronic. Harry looks lost and borderline mental and housing-impaired. Lloyd looks like Jim Carey and, lets face it, he’s just not funny anymore. Just a bad movie all around, don’t watch it.
- My dog Mia poops in twos and that’s weird to me. I mean, she poops once, wanders around, then poops again. Even my older dog Scube looks at her like she’s a bit “off”. I don’t understand this and that makes me uneasy. Whats she up do? What’s her plan with this method? It’s wrong and she needs to stop.
The second bad movie I watched was Sex Tape. I’ll allow this movie for a few reasons. Cameron Diaz running around semi-nude is okay in my book. Carry on, Cameron. There were some pretty funny parts in the movie along with some pretty funny actors like Rod Courdry, that one chick from The Office, and Rob Lowe. Let’s talk about Rob Lowe. His scene in the movie was hilarious. He plays a straight-laced business man (quite the stretch for him, I know) that winds up doing coke with Cameron. The best part was when he says he’s going to put some music on, you know, to lighten the mood, and then cranks Slayer. I will be doing this sooner than later. The plot was stupid and all that, but Lowe cranking Slayer to lighten the mood is just too funny.
- Preseason football is a waste of time and energy. They shouldn’t even show these shitty games, let alone charge suckers to attend them. This is a scam on the highest level, on the same level as Donald Trump running for president and me voting for him. (POLITICAL! TOPICAL!)
Let’s Be Cops was the third stupid movie I managed to watch. There were some funny parts but here’s the thing (ahhhh yeah), the shit they were doing was insanely illegal and hard to overlook. It’s hard to suspend belief to that level. These two leads put on cop uniforms, reply to distress calls, have a fake cop car that doesn’t have plates, and get involved in a huge conspiracy that includes a high ranking cop? And in the end, everyone shrugs their collective shoulders and everyone just goes on with life? There were funny parts and the leads worked well together, but it was just too stupid to enjoy.
- Painting is a messy, messy, messy job. I don’t recommend painting unless you like pulling dried paint from arm and leg hair. It’s stupid and painful. But on the other hand, my bedrooms look great and mine is probably really inviting for the ladies. You’re welcome, the ladies.
The last crapfest I watched was The Wedding Ringer. I don’t know if it’s because it was the last of the four movies I watched, but this movie made me mad. It was so contrived and cliche. This movie left me wondering how shit like this get made. Who green lights this shit? Who sits around and says, “Yes! Let’s make the millionth version of this tired ass shit and just plug two morons in to the lead roles.” These movies make me think that there’s a Madlibs thing they use in Hollywood where you use the same old story, add two opposites as leads, and then let the magic happen. Wait! Is that why they call these formula movies…the more you know. But seriously, f*ck The Wedding Ringer. I’m not done. In what world does Kelly Cuoco have sexy time with Josh Gad? Even better, in what world does Kelly Cuoco date and marry Leonard Hoffsteder on The Big Bang Theory? You know what? I quit, no more movies for me.
If you had to watch these movies because someone had a gun to your head, I’d rank them thusly:
- Sex Tape – because naked Cameron Diaz and Rob Lowe doing lines of coke while blasting Slayer.
- Let’s Be Cops – because someone had to be number two on this list.
- The Wedding Ringer – because…
- Dumb and Dumber To – …this movie was shitty on a whole ‘nother level.
Here's The Thing... 