Football Tuesday

Still fantasy football time and it’s already annoying. Fantasy football used to be fun but, like all good things, it has become stale as more and more people have caught on to it and brought their logic, reasoning, and skills to the game. At one time, the game was left for nerds that liked football and they typically picked players based on name recognition and who they played for. Now the game has been infiltrated by f*cking scientists that look at stats, trends, and other assorted crap that I obviously don’t understand.

There was a time when I wouldn’t pick a player solely on who they played for. You play for the 49ers? Nope, kick rocks, asshole. You suit up for the Cowboys? Drop dead from a cocaine overdose, sport. Now? Now I have to draft players like Jamaal Charles over Beast Mode because some stupid computer told me to. Skynet is real, folks, and it’s ruined fantasy football. It’s to the point where I should just let the computers pick my teams. The best part? Yahoo! actually has a computer that assesses your team and mocks your draft. Why does Skynet have to be so mean? Who taught them to talk trash? (Scientist assholes, that’s who.)

I mean, it’s fantasy for Christsakes! Who fantasizes about reasonable shit? Assholes, that’s who. No one does sexual fantasy role playing and only does reasonable shit. “Gee, Dear, I’d really enjoy jumping from the ceiling and landing just so, but the statistical odds of that producing the maximum amount of pleasure are minimal.” That’s not fantasy, that’s science and math and science and math have no place in fantasy anything.

Because the game has become so mathematical, the next logical conclusion is to enter as many leagues as possible so that the odds of winning anything are increased. I’m in three leagues with the hopes that one of them will let me increase my shit talking abilities. I may suck in two leagues, but the one I’m good in will never hear the end of my genius.

Three leagues is stupid, though. In my day I was only in one league, ever, with friends that I actually knew so that I could talk shit or have shit talked to me. I actually knew all the players. Now I’m in leagues with friends of friends, janitors, Republicans, Truthers, and other people I’d never willingly talk to. That’s stupid. I don’t play games to make friends, I play games to cheat, talk trash, and to humiliate people I care for.

Anyways, my second draft is this Friday and my last one is Monday. I’ll have a rundown on both drafts, but they won’t be as awesome as the first one because I’ll have been beaten down by the pressure of statistics and math and drafting assholes from teams I hate. Thankfully the season is starting soon so at least I’ll be able to see that. How sad is that? I have to pay attention to the actual sport and not the fantasy version.

Random Rant Day: Athletes Aren’t Your Friends

Why are you so mean, Jason?

Umm, Athletes Aren’t Your Friends

They aren’t. You don’t hang out with them, you don’t have open and honest chit-chats with them – you don’t know them. So stop being thirsty-ass Athlete-Loving-Zombies, you clowns.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but big time athletes are the same over-privileged guys you knew in high school. You remember them, they came to class whenever, they took classes with teacher-coaches, and they tended to get over on all sorts of shit regular dumb ass students didn’t. [Note: I know I’m being a “hater” here, but I don’t care, this shit needs to stop.]

The ones that turned pro are the “good” version of these entitled assholes, by the way. The “bad” version is the one that didn’t grow up to be a professional athlete. You know the “bad” ones, they are the ones that tell you all about their illustrious high school sports career while they’re ringing up your order at Arby’s. (But hey! I’m an associate manager, in five years I’ll be an assistant at my very own store! Do you want any sauces with your order, sir?)

But Jason, I’m just like you!

This is why I’m not shocked when I hear of a beloved professional athlete doing something horrible. I may be taken aback, but I’ve never thought, “Gee, I never pegged so-and-so as a coldblooded murder, he always seemed nice to me”, because I DON’T KNOW CRIMINY MCCRIMINAL, AT ALL! For all I know, every single athlete has a Silence of the Lambs pit in their basement, just like anyone else can have a pit of their own (albeit not as fancy as a multi-millionaire’s pit).

But you’re my man, dog…

I’m guilty of this judgmental attitude about professional athletes, but in reverse. I’ve become so jaded that I assume every professional athlete is up to something. It’s to the point where I’m just waiting on Russ Wilson a prominent good guy NFL QB to be exposed, Tiger Woods style, as a freaky-freak-freak with kids and wives in every city he’s ever visited. But you know where I’m different, i.e. better? I won’t give a shit and I won’t root for Russ this random QB to fail in sports as long as he’s a Seahawk player for my favorite team.

Will you just stop, Jason?

I don’t believe we shouldn’t root for certain players or go on full-blown Hater Patrol (Sgt. Jason, at your service), I’m just saying that giving strangers with PR teams backing them a free pass just because they’re good at sports is stupid and needs to stop. Professional athletes are employees that are popular. You wouldn’t give an accused postal employee or an insane Target checker the unquestioning benefit of the doubt. (In fact, you probably shit on them because you’re late for your shift at Arby’s.) You wouldn’t just assume they’re good people, NO MATTER WHAT, just because they smile a lot. (You know who else smiles a lot? Serial killers. Think about it.) People are varied and complex, no one is as one-dimensional as these athletes are, so stop acting like fools.

This really hurts, Jason.

Football Day: Fantasy Football Draft

No one gives a shit, Jason.

Since there are no games of meaning for a few more weeks, I’ve decided to recap my first of three fantasy football drafts.

STFU with this, Jason!

My first draft was this past Saturday for the Tacoma Aroma league. My team, Suck Z Ballz, finished 8 out of twelve teams last season. After this draft, I think another strong showing is due for this upcoming season, as well. I mean, the War Room at team Suck Z Ballz was electric Saturday after obtaining the number two overall pick. GM Jason Kelly received several calls from other GM’s with hopes of a draft day trade, but team Suck Z Ballz held firm and kept its pick.

With the number two overall pick, I selected Jamaal Charles. Some dipshit picked La’Veon Bell with the number one pick, so I essentially had the first overall selection. Marshawn Lynch was ranked the top prospect and Adrian Peterson would have been a natural choice for a team with Ballz in the name, but Charles seemed like the most non-homer safe pick.

My next pick was Calvin Johnson. I’m excited to welcome Megatron to the team and feel that he is a first round talent. But then again, I’m an idiot and Johnson will have a shitty season now. Also like how Johnson is a good fit for Team Ballz, if you really think about it.

With my third pick I snagged Justin Forsett only because he’s breathing and I wanted a running back that wasn’t LeSean McCoy or Melvin Gordon. Really an uninspired pick, but who cares?

In the fourth round I obtained the rights to Joseph Randle because the ability to breathe isn’t enough of a reason to have a lot of faith in Forsett. Essentially I selected two breathers in a row with the hopes one will not be a total shit show.

I picked Martavius Bryant for the only reason being that I really like the name Martavius. I never really heard of him until he showed up on my player list. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Next Man Up is Eli “Motherf*cking” Manning! I picked this asshole to fill a gap until…

…my number seven pick, Tom “Douche Bro” Brady comes off of suspension, whenever that is. I hate Eli so there’s no way he’ll scrape together a few good games and I’ll be conflicted in dumping his ass for Brady. Nope, it’s a safe bet that Eli or someone else will have managed to piss me off enough that even I will welcome Brady with open arms. Eli Manning: Making People Like Even Tom Brady.

After a review of my draft to this point, I realized that I didn’t have enough loose-cannon assholes on my team that are WAY past their prime, so I selected Steve Smith! If anything, I know Smith will smack Eli around in the locker room and make Brady think twice before he shows off his douche bag smirk.

Since I snagged Brady, I decided I’d get a friend to keep him company on the team, and that friend is Brandon LaFell. No idea if he’s any good, but you’ll soon see I went with the gaggle of shitty WR’s and QB’s route in this draft.

Beginning in the tenth round is where the great GM’s separate themselves from the lesser-GM’s. Anyone can pick Eli or Steve Smith in the first nine rounds, but it takes a genius to snag Delanie Walker in the tenth.

Since I have no idea what a Delanie Walker is, I decided to back him (?) up at TE with Tyler Eifert. I think I’ve had Eifert before because that name is funny and seems to have stuck with me. Other than name recognition, I have no idea who this guy is.

The steal of my drafting experience came in the 12th round as this 12th Man selected Steven “Holy Shit, He’s Awesome” Hauschka! This made my draft and locked it up as probably the best draft of the league. Sorry assholes, I win!

Before you think my homerism was fulfilled with my 12th pick, you’d be considered a moron and I’d laugh at you because I went and picked up a Bishop Sankey! Bow Down to Washington! I’ll throw him on the dumpster fire that is my RB platoon.

I have no idea who this Devin Funchess is, but apparently I picked him. Seriously, I know I picked him Saturday, but I still have no clue who he is.

With throwaway pick number one, I got Terrance Williams. I’ve had him before, so at least he knows my system and playbook?

Lastly, Suck Z Ballz’s Mr. Irrelevant is Joe Flacco! Now Smith has a friend on the team and I can decide between Flacco and Manning every week before Brady comes to the team.

I didn’t pick a defense because they are overrated and I like to pick based on weekly match ups. That’s ballsy, so respect my game.

That is my first draft, I hope you enjoyed it.

It’s finally over!

Exercise Review Day: How the Hell Did I Get Here?

Stupid Foot

How the Hell Did I Get Here?

Last May I broke my left foot, they called it a pseudo-jones fracture, also known as the “Dancer’s Fracture”. This happened on a trail run, coming around a corner on loose gravel. There was a slip, then a twist, then my entire left foot folded sideways and upside-down. A tendon in my leg (you can feel yours, it’s on the outside of your lower leg) tried to save my body from falling, tightened up, and snapped my foot near the pinky toe.

Takes a while to recover from this break for several reasons. One reason is that blood really doesn’t flow to your pinky toe so it doesn’t heal very fast, if at all. Another reason is that it’s your f*cking foot, you don’t know how much you use your foot until you can’t. And the final reason for the slow recovery is that it’s call a “Dancer’s Fracture” which is humiliating to the point that your body is too ashamed to fix itself.

Stupid Cast

I ditched my cast at the end of July last year and did a slow rehab routine, but I rushed it. I came back too fast and it caused all sorts of other issues because the rest of my left leg didn’t get a chance to build up, too (you don’t use the other supporting muscles when a foot is broken, I guess…lazy ass muscles.). My footsie was fine but my upper and lower leg started causing troubles, my gait was thrown off to the point of being too painful to walk at times, and my back started talking to me. Because I basically reinjured my foot (not a break, but A LOT of pain), I did what any reasonable American would do – I gave up, drank too much, got lazy, and got fat.

I’ve cleaned myself up and have started another comeback. This one will be much slower and my goals will be different. My old goals were to return to running half marathons and then do a full marathon. Those are bullshit goals because I don’t like DOING much of anything for 2-5 hours straight, especially running. Besides, I’m old, I want to smell the roses, not hang out with people that don’t wear tampons during marathons or whatever.

My new goal is to complete the full Wonderland Trail hike around Mount Rainier. I had a permit to complete the trail last year but, well, I broke my foot. The trail is about 93 miles and requires cool things like food caches and food drops. I’ll feel like a wilderness spy on some covert operation in North Korea. I would try to summit the mountain but I’m terrified of walking across ladders over crevasses, so walking around the mountain is just fine.

Nope

No Damn Way

Oh Hell No

I will describe the trail plan later on, and I plan on writing about my hike when it happens next year, but for now I think it’ll be fun to document and ridicule myself on my second rehab mission. It’ll be a slow process but an interesting one since I do nothing the easy way and I usually only learn from idiotic failures. It’s not fun if I’m the only person making fun of me, so I feel the need to share.

So, have at me, assholes.

What If They Didn’t Go With Seahawks?

While watching the Mighty Mariners triumph over an inferior opponent behind the stellar pitching of King Felix Sunday, my daughter brought up an article she read about alternative names that were being considered by fans for the team that would become the Seattle Seahawks. I decided that this needed to be looked up and explored. The possibilities were seemingly endless, yet fans decided to name the team after something that doesn’t technically exist.

According to the Seahawks site, there was a huge fan vote with 20,365 entries suggested 1,741 team names. Supposedly around 250 people randomly came up with Seahawks and that was what the team went with. Fans of the team have seen these names at different times over the years, but many, like me, probably haven’t really put the suggested names with “Seattle” and considered how history would have been different if “Seahawks” didn’t win the day.

Before I go through some of the names, I need to state that I think “Seattle Seahawks” is awesome on many levels. Seahawks aren’t even a thing. There aren’t any seahawks flying around Seattle or anywhere else in the world. Sure, ospreys are birds that are sometimes called a sea hawk, or a fish eagle, or a river hawk, or a fish hawk, but really, sea hawk is a nickname, making the team’s nickname a nickname. That’s all kinds of weird. I suppose it’s sort of like the Washington Redskins, but WAY less offensive? But the team took it to another level by bringing sea and hawk together to make it look like a seahawk is something, but it’s not.

The Seattle Ospreys would have been a cool name. We’d probably call them the “O’s”, have verbal altercations with Baltimore baseball fans, and the pluralization of the name would have been confusing or pretentious, and that really sums up Seattle.

Anyway, here I go…

Some of the names make no sense, at all. The Seattle Aardvarks? Nothing says “Seattle” like some African animal, right? Also, the name just sounds clunky. The name does serve a purpose, the purpose the name aardvark always serves – being first. Congrats, your name is asinine, but you’re first!

Some names are REALLY Seattle specific. The Seattle Aero-Techs point to Boeing. The Seattle Alkis name out a beach along a part of the city. I’m sure Alki has some great Native American meaning, but I don’t really care, all I know is that somehow the name would easily come to be connected with alcoholism which would get old, just as old as “Cock” gear for South Carolina Gamecocks got.

The Seattle Apple Knockers is funny and locally-themed, as is the Seattle Aqua-Ducks, Seattle Bumpershoots, Seattle D.B. Coopers, Seattle Space Needlers, Seattle Nordy’s Bests, Seattle Chinook Passers, Seattle Blue Sounders, Seattle Queen City Quinaults, Seattle Pike Street Misfits, Seattle Montlakes, Seattle 747’s, and the Seattle Royal Broughams.

Hey, did you know it’s shitty and rainy up here in the Pacific Northwest? The fans do and they want to tell the world all about it with the Seattle Aqua-Ducks, Seattle Clouds, Seattle Cloudbursts, Seattle Cumulo Nimbos, Seattle Drizzlers, Seattle Puddle Jumpers, Seattle Rainbirds, Seattle Rainy Ramblers, Seattle Rain-Dears, Seattle Raining Suns, Seattle Rain Gods, Seattle Rainbeams, Seattle Sun Dodgers, Seattle Soggies, and Seattle Weather Beaters.

Jesus, we get it, it rains here, wonderful and relevant observation, assholes.

Hey, fans like animals, too, with names like the Seattle Anchovies, Seattle Abominable Snowmen, Seattle Alki Ants (ENOUGH, WEST SEATTLE), Seattle Billy Goats, Seattle Bigfoots, Seattle Catamounts, Seattle Bronze Bobcats (because screw a Silver Bobcat, right?), Seattle Bay Hawks, Seattle Cockatoos (“Bro, check out my Seattle ‘Cocks jersey, bro!”), Seattle Crabs (“Bro, look at my jersey, I’ve got crabs, bro!”), Seattle Frogs, Seattle Flounders, Seattle Ferrets, Seattle Hammerheads, Seattle Halibut Heads, Seattle Koala Bears (weak), Seattle Killer Whales (awesome), Seattle Mongooses (most likely aligns with when Rikki Tikki Tavi was popular, so, TOPICAL!), Seattle King Krabs, Seattle Pachyderms, Seattle Orangutans, Seattle Nanuks, Seattle Running Salmon, Seattle Sea Urchins, Seattle Sheep, Seattle Silver Sasquatches (because screw Gold Sasquatches!), Seattle Sperm Whales, Seattle Salamanders, Seattle Squids, Seattle Scampi, Seattle Ticks, Seattle Shrimps, and Seattle Toads.

Some names are just stupid and probably have some stupid ass hidden meaning or message that IS GOING TO MAKE A POINT! The Seattle About Timers (Derrr, about time we got a team!), Seattle Cool Dudes (Really, no clue. Maybe something something millionaires?), Seattle City Slickers (See! We’re a real city!), Seattle Diarrheas (Dual message – Sports are shit & ‘Murican’s can’t spell!), Seattle Ding Dongs (God, who knows?), Seattle Lucky Loggers (Something about lumber job losses, I’m sure. YAWN.), Seattle Peckerwoods, Seattle Puget Puffers (Because we get high all the time here, y’all! Right? Hello?), Seattle Peacemakers (Are we talking pro-missiles or anti-war? Typical mixed-message, Seattle hippies.), Seattle Red Tide (Not a shout-out to Alabama, it’s bitching about the environment.), Seattle Sleazies, Seattle Scoundrels, Seattle Stiletoes (We like strippers?), Seattle Saints ‘n Sinners (Rolls off the tongue and really makes you think, man.), Seattle Waumpums, Seattle Third Degree, and Seattle Trafficjammers.

There were some missed-opportunity gems, though. I love the Seattle Vampires, the Seattle Cutthroats, the Seattle Green State Geoducks, and the Seattle Salty Dogs. I LOVE anything named after the magnificent geoduck!

Well, that was a fun lunchtime exercise. I like the Seattle Seahawks, but the Seattle Geoducks would have been the absolute best. So many songs! So much gear! Just a fun time for all.

(My daughter goes to The Evergreen State University College (oops) and this is what they’ve done with the mascot “geoduck”, from Wikipedia: “The geoduck is the official mascot of The Evergreen State College, located at the southernmost tip of Puget Sound in Olympia, Washington. The school’s Latin motto, Omnia Extares (or, “let it all hang out”) is at least partially intended as a tongue-in-cheek reference to the creature’s phallic appearance.”)

World Cup Review Update

So many people are willing to make predictions, but very few actually go back and review their mistakes. Even fewer do so while their predictions are in progress. What I’m about to do may make me a hero in the eyes of children, women will faint as I pass by, and men will idolize me and try to copy my style. There will be poems created in my honor, there’ll be a book deal, and movie rights will be sold.

Anyways, I’m just trying to catch up where the World Cup has gone and where it’ll go. This also offers up more opportunity to say slanderous things about places I’ve never been and about people I’ll never meet, and that makes me super ‘Murican.

And a quick reminder/disclaimer:

1. I know VERY, VERY, VERY little about soccer. I call it soccer, to begin with, so that means I’m ‘Murican, and that means I know nothing. I could be the smartest ‘Murican soccer fan alive and I’d still be less knowledgeable than a seven-year-old Mexican kid when it comes to soccer. (Soccer, and life, probably. Those kids have seen things.)
2. Because the World Cup involves the rest of the world, and I know so little about soccer, I will be making generalizations based on my comically misinformed understanding of everything outside of ‘Murica. I will essentially replace all soccer knowledge with “facts” about countries I know only through news stories and Rick Steves.
3. I’m an asshole.
4. I’m not smart.
5. I make my picks in sports based on how I want my team to do. Do you even know how many times I’ve picked the Washington Huskies to win the NCAA basketball tournament? How about every time they’ve been in it. Because I’m stupid, see?
6. The stereotypical ideal I have for a nation’s female population matters…it matters the most, which is why I skew towards South American teams.

Game 49 – I picked Brazil to beat Spain in this game. I got the Brazil being there part correct, so I’m a genius, but I blew it on Spain. Yin-Yang, right? Brazil actually plays Chile, and I still think Brazil advances. Why? They’re fun to watch, their women are amazingly beautiful, and they’re the hosts. I don’t know what sort of defensive alignment either team has, I have no clue who Chile’s best player is, but I do know all about Brazilian asses and the magic developed in the Amazon that involves wax.

Game 50 –  I NAILED this game! I got both teams right, Uruguay and Columbia, and I picked Uruguay to win…but that was before Vampire McBiterson went all Hannibal on some Italian dude. Here’s the thing, though, why does everyone hate Luis Suarez? I certainly don’t. I like assholes in sports, especially when they don’t impact me in any way. Suarez bites an Italian? Who gives a shit? Screw Italy! To hell with Italy! Dude bites Clint Dempsy? We’ve got problems. So, until Suarez bites an American, I’m entertained and I approve of his outlandish behavior. I don’t think Uruguay wins this game now. Oh well, I’m sticking with my pick! Uruguay wins!

Game 51 – I picked Netherlands to beat Croatia for this game…oops. It’s actually Mexico that take on the Dutch. Croatia shat the bed and did not make it past the group stage – sad trombone. I’m still picking Netherlands to win this game, but now it’ll be a bit more fun watching Mexico lose. That Mexico coach is an asshat. Why? Not because of the shit he says or any of that, it’s because the man has no neck. I don’t trust anyone that doesn’t have a neck. It’s creepy. No, a man must have a neck.

Game 52 – I went with the Ivory Coast over Italy. Turns out Costa Rica and Greece are going to be playing this game instead. Look, I really don’t like Greece. It just seems like a smelly country. On the other hand, moving to Costa Rica sounds wonderful. Warm beaches, proximity to Brazil, people speak English, what’s not to love about our neighbors to the south? I’ll go with Costa Rica over boring ass Greece. No one cares about your cyclops stories or multiple gods, Greece.

Game 53 – I picked France over Nigeria – NAILED IT! Yes! I’m sticking with the Blue Cocks (that’s what France is called, right?) I like jerseys with chickens on them. Isn’t there a thing going on that’s pretty bad in Nigeria? Shouldn’t this be a bigger thing? I don’t care for the French, in general, but I do still enjoy that a universal dislike of the country seems to be a glue-that-binds for ‘Muricans. (The hell does glue-that-binds even mean? Crack is a helluva drug.)

Game 54 – I went with Germany over Russia but the Commies decided to let Algeria take their place and that’s nice of them. I’m sticking with Germany because they are pretty good at this soccer business. I really don’t care for Algeria and I don’t know why. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. But it’s way down on the list of things that qualify me as a bad person, probably below “hates cats” and above “hates babies”.

Game 55 – Argentina over Ecuador has been replaced with Argentina over Switzerland. God, I love Argentina! I have no idea why I am so drawn to the place, exactly, but I know it involves steak. They have the best cow meat on TV, I tell you. Oh, and they have the greatest player in the world on their team, and that’s a positive. As for the Swiss? Meh, no one cares. Don’t get me wrong, I still like their cheese, chocolate, and braided blondes, but they’re no Argentina.

Game 56 – Did pretty well, again, and went with USA over South Korea. I’m going to say the USA beats Belgium because they put mayonnaise on their fries. That’s just gross. I know it’s cliche and it gets brought up all the time, but it’s just really gross. Sometimes we overlook world atrocities because we’ve just gotten used to them (like that whole Nigeria thing), but mayo on fries is horrible and needs to be in the back of our minds at all times. And also, USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

I think I did pretty well, considering I know jack shit about soccer. I got 9 of the 16 teams into the knock-out stage, which I wouldn’t have bet a dime on.

Random Thought Roundup

These are just things I’ve wanted to bitch about but really didn’t think there was enough to actually post an entire thing for them…

Hurry Up, Hal!

F*cking slow computers are the absolute worst! Really, it’s 2014, the hell is wrong with a computer that lags and drags and all that? It’s bullshit. A computer shouldn’t take over a minute to get started and a program shouldn’t take more than ten seconds to work.

This is why I have a hard time with shutting my computer down at work. I know I’m on the clock but the most annoying way to start a morning is turning on the computer, waiting five minutes, having to sit there to do the whole “CTRL-ALT-DEL” thing and the password thing, and then having to wait another ten minutes before anything will open. By the time the computer catches up, I have five Outlooks and three web browsers open, and everything is still slow.

My stove works quicker than my computer and that should be the only thing that needs to “warm up” in my world. Everything else that takes its sweet ass time needs to die a horrible death. I don’t have time for this, I’m a busy man!

Extra! Extra! Another Stupid Soccer Thing!

Extra time in soccer is total shit. The ref should have to explain extra time decisions after every game and be held accountable for that shit. It’s a giant guessing game as to how long a game will go over it’s allotted time.

Sunday’s USA-Portugal game was total shit. The first half of the game had an extra two minutes of stoppage time. Two minutes was too short considering there was a water and orange slices break. The second half had an extra five minutes of stoppage, which was exactly ten seconds too many. How can a three minute water break only add up to two minutes of stoppage time? Because the world is way too lenient about stoppage time and the refs are unaccountable. There was absolutely no logic to the stoppage time and that’s shit.

I believe the USA-Ghana game finished with five minutes of stoppage time, too. Conspiracy? Most likely.

Game of Cards

Idiotic politics are a waste of time. I’m all caught up on House of Cards and Game of Thrones and the thing I can’t shake is that people watch that shit and try to apply it to everyday life. I know they’re doing it because they’re unoriginal and are too true to the shows they are ripping off.

I work in social services, we are about one step up from art and philosophy majors, and people try to act out contrived plots from TV shows. Here’s the thing, Khaleesi Dumass Shit-Storm-Born, there’s no reason to plan and plot behind people’s backs, there’s no other gain than your own personal entertainment and completely wasting everyone’s time. Bringing up twenty talking points and rambling in circles doesn’t advance anything, it’s just makes a twenty minute meeting last an hour.

Which leads me to my other political-at-work issue – YOU’RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT, WE’RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT! Hushed tones and over-thinking are such an incredible waste of time and effort. I know several people that act like the world is this big TV show, but it’s not. We wake up, poop, shower, go to work and do the best we can, come home, try to find entertainment, and then sleep. That’s about it. No one is special, or at least we’re all pretty much equally special, so settle down. (Equally special = Not special.)

I’ve Got Yer Protein Right Here…

10 to 13 grams of protein at over 150 calories is not a great source of protein. Those Lunchables people have some 13 gram of protein snacks that add up to 160 calories. This is ok, but it isn’t an “answer” to getting protein into you. I have my protein bars that cram 30 grams of protein into 280 calories, now that’s some high quality protein.

Look, I’m not a scientist, and I’m not a health idiot, all I’m saying is that you can’t go around marketing yourself as a protein solution when you’re not. Oscar Mayer P3 Portable Protein Pack? If you want protein, Oscar Mayer isn’t the solution. I probably don’t have the solution, either, but I’m also not out there touting the idea that I do, and I’m sure as hell not making bank off of it, either.

Stupid Foot Update: Week Five

I watched Star Trek: Into the Darkness and all I took from it is that modern medicine still sucks. Lasers were featured prominently in their medical stories. I’m just saying, get it together, Group Health.

True Blood Review

My god does True Blood suck. How’d I get this far in the show? (Oh yeah, bewbs and secs…lots of bewbs and secs.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, the shows sucks, but it was on again last night, and it sucked even worse than normal. On a plus side, Tara died, and that’s great! On the negative side, no one else of note did.

It’s the last season of the series so I assumed that they’d try to switch things up, go out with a bang, but no. The season premiere looks like every other season and that’s sad. Sookie’s being an obnoxious victim asshole. People are fretting over Tara. The townspeople “have had enough” and the gubmint ain’t gonna save them so they gots to save themselves! (Shoot me!) And, of course, there are people that have been kidnapped and taken to a dungeon that need a rescuin’. These are the usual plot points, nothing to see here, move along.

2014 World Cup Scientific Review

It’s time for my traditional World Cup team review and predictions. Before I get going, there are some things a reader must understand about me and my knowledge of soccer.

1. I know VERY, VERY, VERY little about soccer. I call it soccer, to begin with, so that means I’m ‘Murican, and that means I know nothing. I could be the smartest ‘Murican soccer fan alive and I’d still be less knowledgeable than a seven-year-old Mexican kid when it comes to soccer. (Soccer, and life, probably. Those kids have seen things.)
2. Because the World Cup involves the rest of the world, and I know so little about soccer, I will be making generalizations based on my comically misinformed understanding of everything outside of ‘Murica. I will essentially replace all soccer knowledge with “facts” about countries I know only through news stories and Rick Steves.
3. I’m an asshole.
4. I’m not smart.
5. I make my picks in sports based on how I want my team to do. Do you even know how many times I’ve picked the Washington Huskies to win the NCAA basketball tournament? How about every time they’ve been in it. Because I’m stupid, see?
6. The stereotypical ideal I have for a nation’s female population matters…it matters the most, which is why I skew towards South American teams.

Lets get started. I’ll start with the groups, ALL OF THEM, and then I’ll get to the bracket games.

 Group A

Brazil – It’s a country in South America, so it automatically gets my favor due to stereotypical Brazilian woman. Honestly, I can already tell you right now that they will be in the final game. They have the best uniforms, their players go by one name rather than the cumbersome two-name standard (it’s as if they shaved the second part of their names off), they’re the home team, they are the most fun team to watch, they’re really good, Carnival, Rio, thongs, wax, and everything else.

Croatia – This country mystifies me. I’ve seen their national parks (on TV) and they’re awesome, but they also have bullet holes in their buildings, which is somewhat poetic. Say, has Maya Angelou written anything about Croatia? Should have, it’s like the Tupac of Eastern European countries. The name of the country is also interesting because it sounds like a sound a frog makes. And the Croatian peoples, Croats, name sounds like a person trying to get the morning gunk from their throat.

Mexico – These guys? Jeez. Great. Look, everyone, it’s Mexico. I’m not even getting into it with Mexico, there’s just no upside to talking about the place. It’s like talking too loud in your kitchen and then realizing the window is open and the neighbors are outside and heard everything you said and you were basically talking shit about them…that’s how I feel about Mexico, always. You feel bad if you rip them because, well, look at the joint. You feel bad when you have nice things because well, again, look at the place.

Cameroon – This country always makes me think of Kirk Cameron. Growing Pains was a weird show, especially looking back at it now. The sister was a cliché Hollywood mess, the dad was a Canadian clown that spawned a son that made a song once, BJ Thomas sang the theme song, Cameron turned into the most annoying of Jesus-freaks (the kind that won’t shut up about it), Leonardo Dicaprio was on the show, and a character was named “Boner”.  Just really weird. The people around the show were way zestier than the bland show ever dreamed to be, even with it’s Boner.

Group B

Spain – Hot women? Check. Players I’ve heard of? Check. Talented? Check. Good for them. Spain seems a lot more interesting than it gets credit for. I think too many of us ‘Muricans mix Spain and Mexico up in our heads so we really have no idea what to make of the place. Is it hot and dusty or is it like the rest of Europe? Who knows?

Netherlands – I don’t like The Netherlands for a few reasons. The first is that it requires a “The” at the beginning. The hell do you think you are requiring me to add “The”? Secondly, they are called “Dutch” rather than “Nethers” or something. Who does this country think it is? Don’t put your weirdness on me, country.

Chile – The country shaped like it’s called! If Chile were a ‘Murican sports team they’d be sentimental favorites in this tournament. With the mining issues, earthquakes, and tsunamis, this place has been through some tough times. They’re due for a World Cup win…but they won’t get one.

Australia – This place seems like a land full of creepers. The women seem ok, but they’d be the type that all think they’re tougher than you and would be really obnoxious about it. Don’t get me wrong, they probably are way tougher than me, but these ones wouldn’t shut up about it. The dudes, on the other hand, are the type that think they’re all tougher than everything and really aren’t. “Arrgg, I like Fosters! That’s not a knife, THIS is a knife. Shrimp on the barbie. Mate, mate, mate.” Shut the hell up, you English hillbillies. The ONLY pluses this bad country western movie set has going for it is an overwhelmingly cute native animal population. Kangaroos? Wallabies? Koalas? Damn, it’s like an avalanche of adorable! I want to punch the entire human population’s nose and hug its cuddly critters.

Group C

Columbia – What a country. Cartels, cocaine, oil, and sexy hot models? This country has quite the Friday night potential. This is a place I would never, ever, set foot in, though. I don’t care if it was deemed perfectly safe; I still wouldn’t go there because it’s not. It’ll never be safe. I’d get kidnapped and then humiliated when all the ransom they’d get offered for me is maybe $100. No one needs the stress of being kidnapped paired with the humiliation of no one kicking in on the ransom.

Greece – Stinky and hairy. That’s what comes to mind first when I think of Greece. Neo-Nazi’s, angry mobs, and hair. That’s what I think of the second time I consider the country. What a weird place. This is another place I want nothing to do with. I’d love to see the old statues and landmarks, but I just feel like the place would be littered with Greeks and I don’t care for that.

Cote D’Ivoire Ivory Coast– Go straight to hell with that name, Ivory Coast. I don’t have time for frenchified version of things. I hate that, actually. You can call something anything you want in your language, I’ll call it whatever I want in mine. Now, if people native to that plot of land wanted to rename the country what they want the country to be named, I’m all for it, but don’t toss some of that annoying language out there and expect me to go with it. You’re the Ivory Coast, settle down. I call Paris “pair-iss”, not “pair-eee”, thank you very much.

Japan – A country whose entire national food menu is based on a dare.

Person A: “Hey, look at that multi-limbed slimey creature of there, buddy”

Person B: “Eww, that? I see it, it looks disgusting.”

Person A: “Dude, I dare you to eat it.”

Person B: “Ok. Hold on, let me get my grill…”

Person A: “No! You have to eat it raw!”

Person B: “Oh man! That’s disgusting! No way!”

Person A: “You lack honor!”

Person B: “Are you disrespecting my ancestors? Screw you, pal! Bring it here and let me kill it then eat it!”

Person A: “No! You can’t kill it first, eat it alive! It’s got to be alive!”

Person B: “Screw that! No way I’m eating that alive!”

Person C “Wow! He’s going to shame his family! EVERYONE! HE’S GOING TO SHAME HIS FAMILY!!!”

Person B: “FINE! I’LL EAT IT!”

Person A & C: “GROSS! HE DID IT!”

Person B: “It wasn’t so bad. Next time a little soy sauce and rice will help!”

Group D

Uruguay – Where was I? Oh yeah, another South American country with really hot women. Uruguay is like Argentina, to me, in that I always think of them being full of former Europeans and Nazi’s in hiding. I guess South America is as good a place as any for this sort of hiding. It’s warm, has farmable land, beaches. It’s sort of like the Wild West, except cleaner, and with was prettier people.

Costa Rica – I’d move to this place if I had guts, money, a working understanding of Spanish, and a passport. It’s tropical and jungly, two things that aren’t the worst. I’m tired of gray rainy days. Sun would be nice, lots of sun, lots and lots of sun. God this place sucks! I want to move.

England – Hey, speaking of gray shit holes. You know why England and Australia don’t have the same confusion that Spain and Mexico have? Because EVERYONE knows England is just a dismal cold and foggy place full of pasty inbred people that loathe flavorful foods. Here’s the most annoying part of England and the World Cup – everyone talks about how everyone talks about England in the World Cup. (See, I just did it, too.) England isn’t good at soccer, South American people are good at soccer, Spanish people are good at soccer, and German people are good at soccer. England is an island of maybe 73 people on it, getting 11 of those people really good at soccer is hard to do. Just because the Premier League is awesome doesn’t mean the awesomeness of the imported talent rubs off on the assholes that watch the sport. I don’t get good at sex from watching porn; I just get more demented and delusional about the subject, just like the English and soccer. Now piss off you bloody wankers.

Italy – Italy, the Mexico of Europe. “Hey, at one time we were super powerful and ruled the world except we thought the world was flat and consisted only of Europe, so we really didn’t rule much of the world, at all, but we’ll keep talking like we did. Now where are my gold chains and douche sunglasses? I need to go drive my tiny-version motorcycle or tiny-version car.”

Group E

Switzerland – I like this country for two reasons. The first reason is cheese. The second reason is milk chocolate. They also have cool, yet useless, knives, blondes with braided ponytails (hot), and sweet mountains. Switzerland is the Leavenworth of Europe.

Ecuador – A country guaranteed to have the focus shifted from the field to the stands when some Ecuadorian super model does something sexy during their first game. God bless Ecuador! What else is there about Ecuador? I guess the equator has something to do with it, which is nice.

France – This place is insufferable. I think liberals and conservatives should all thank France for being the one thing they can all hate together. Here’s what annoys me about France. If I ever go there they’ll want me to try to speak French. That’s stupid. I’m not learning some phlegm-language for a week-long trip. If I were moving there, sure I’d learn the language. Visiting? No. One of the best things I ever did as a parent was not let my kid learn French over Spanish. Spanish is a useful language for a ‘Murican, French is a snotty waste of time and effort.

Honduras – This country reminds me of my motorcycle. This broken foot has cost me a summer of bike riding. I can’t ride my bike because I can’t shift with a broken foot. My bike just sits in my garage, crying, lonely. Even if I recover by mid-July, it’ll still be a long time before I can mess with the bike because shifting a Honda is not fun since it hurt my foot to do so even before I ruined it. I was always hurting my shifting foot on that damned thing.

Argentina – My third favorite soccer place of the World Cup. I love Argentina because I watched a show once that explained their beef industry and showed some of their steak houses. If you want me to love your country, show me how you eat meat. Argentina, in my mind, is a land of beautiful mountains, super models, and 4” thick steaks. What else is there?

Bosnia and Herzegovina – What is going on with this name? You know that this is not going to end well. There is no way, at all, that old Bosnia and Herzegovina will work out. There will be more war, people will die. And really, “and” is in the name of the place? They didn’t even try to make this work. “And” is just a reminder that shit.s going to hit the fan sooner than later. Good luck with that.

Iran – How does Iran have a soccer team? It just seems that soccer and such trivialities would be beneath the Ayatollah. Things like Iran having a soccer team and music and the interwebs proves how skewed our view of these Islamic countries is. It can’t be all jihad all the time if you need to get to soccer practice, you know? I’m willing to bet that if Rocky got back into training and then fought the best fictional Iranian boxer out there, we’d grow to understand and then love our Iranian brothers and sisters. (And then the sisters would be stoned to death because infidels loved them.)

Nigeria – Nigeria has a soccer team. Soccer aside, I have some really good Nigerian news! I’m going to send this guy $10,000 and he will send me $300,000,000 as soon as my money clears and he is established in ‘Murica. It’s pretty cool, really. Apparently he’s a prince over there and the government seized a bunch of his assets and will only release those assets as soon as he is gone from the country. It’s pretty legit, too, I have it all in writing via emails.

Group G

Germany – The original Sith, right? Lucas, Spielberg, and The History Channel owe a huge portion of all their profits to the German people. Basically, every bad guy and every plot hole imagined and filled by the two men are directly connected to Nazi-Germany and The History Channel’s whole lineup can be attributed to the Third Reich. I mean, not to be that guy, but isn’t that sort of like profiting off of Nazi’s and death and all that horrible shit? Hitler isn’t a plot device. The Nazi’s aren’t filler. It’s really annoying, sometimes. Anyways, Germans are good at soccer; we all know and accept this.

Portugal – This country is like Europe’s front bumper. Whenever I see a map of Europe, I always picture Portugal as all dinged up and smashed in. It’s probably got gigantic impact sensors on its coast that are attached to a gigantic airbag that is probably located in the Alps.

Ghana – When I think of Ghana I think of warlords. I was in the Air Force with a guy from Ghana, I think, and he had a gold tooth. I’d like a gold tooth, too. But I’m not saving up for a gold tooth. A gold tooth is something you just kind of get. Like one day you’re sitting around and someone asks you if you want a gold tooth and you get one then. No real planning, no thought, no hopes and dreams tied to a gold tooth, at least not for me.

USA – USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Group H

Belgium – Didn’t I already do Belgium? Oh, wait, that was France and The Netherlands, basically all the same thing. They have great waffles? I don’t know, and I don’t really care. I’ve got nothing on Belgium.

Algeria – This place always reminds me that I have allergies and I hate them. My nose is always running and I’m always rubbing it. Thank god I don’t have plans on going to Columbia and snorting all their coke because I assume that’d be a big snotty mess. This is the same soccer country where that one guy that played for the French team that one time and head-butted that one other guy during a game came from, I think…who cares? (Zinedine Zidane! Nailed it! Kind of!)

Russia – Oh boy, these guys. Russia is a giant pain in the ass because they’re always mad. Their language also sounds like someone clearing their throat. They drink way too much, it’s always shitty and icy there, and everyone is corrupt. Here’s the thing about these shit-cold countries – leave. Seriously. Like England. What the hell was England even thinking? Why would you colonize Australia and send your prisoners there? That’s just too stupid! Keep the prisoners on that gray shitty rock you call home and move to Australia. I’d have packed up all the valuables, if I were king of England, along with all the most useful citizens, and left England and never looked back. Let the French have the place, who cares? It’s a shithole. “What about the military strongholds? What about your place in all of the European war shit?” Who cares? Piss on Europe and its nonsense. You move your entire country to Australia, you get tans, you relax, and you just go with the flow. Leave that mess behind. All of it. They’re always fighting because they’re all packed in together, their places are too cold, there isn’t enough space to stretch out, and no one speaks the same flipping language. Seriously, all of Europe is located in a space smaller than “Murica and there are 500 different languages. God that would be so freaking annoying! I’d start killing everyone, too.

South Korea – At least South Korea has the right idea by heading south rather than staying north. Are they good at soccer? Who knows at this point? This is the 32^nd country I’ve had to say something about, and I just don’t care anymore. What a stupid idea.

How I see this all going…

Game 49 is the first game of the 16-game bracket. The 16 teams in the bracket come from the top two winners of each of the groups from above. I’m going to do it game to game rather than bracket style because why the hell not, I’ve gone this far.

Round One

Game 49

Brazil over Spain – What a first round game this will be!

Game 50

Uruguay over Columbia – I’m picking the hiding Nazi’s over the drug cartels.

Game 51

Netherlands over Croatia – I like orange uniforms.

Game 52

Ivory Coast over Italy – This would be a pretty big deal. New York as envisioned by Spike Lee would be set ablaze!

Game 53

France over Nigeria – I’ll make sure I buy the Nigerian prince something nice to console him.

Game 54

Germany over Russia – Yipes! This time Germany wins?

Game 55

Argentina over Ecuador – The Sexy Game! I pick meat and sexy model over just sexy model.

Game 56

USA over South Korea – USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Round Two

Game 57

Brazil over Uruguay – Another Big Sexy Game! I pick Brazil like an annoying thong string.

Game 58

Germany over France – Yipes! France loses again?

Game 59

Netherlands over Ivory Coast – Fun time is over, Africans.

Game 60

USA over Argentina – USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

The Final Four

Game 61

Brazil over Germany – Nice try, The Germans, but you can’t beat dead sexy with efficiency and strong mechanical reasoning.

Game 62

USA over Netherlands – USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Third place Game

Game 63

Germany over Netherlands – I guess I pick the Germans, but who cares, third place is for losers.

World Cup Championship Game

USA over Brazil – Honestly, this would cause some problems. The world isn’t ready for ‘Murica to be good at soccer. I mean, it’s tolerable that we aren’t the worst, but to win this World Cup deal would really piss people off. I really don’t think ‘Murica even gets past the group stages, but it’s fun to imagine.