When a person hates something, odds are that that person will be swamped with images, talk, and videos of whatever it is that they hate. This is why I’m often on the receiving end of spider stories, pictures, and videos. Why, if I hate something so much, do people feel the need to share that thing with me? Because people are assholes and I hate them as much as I hate spiders (this is untrue, but very dramatic.)
Indiana Jones had an aversion to snakes, I hate bugs, especially their king, the spider. I honestly believe I can kill most mammals and birds. I stay out of the ocean, so sea critters do not worry me one bit. But bugs, especially spiders, ARE EVERYWHERE! My yard is full of spiders and their evil webs of pure evilness. They invade my home, hang out, and act like they belong. (Protip, spiders: YOU DON’T BELONG!)
But what’s worse about spiders is that they are in the news. There are spiders in Texas that have essentially unionized and created one giant spider web. Think about that. Those Texas spider bastards got together and decided to go in on killing and murder and pure creepiness. That’s some next level evil right there. Seriously, look at their work:
In rain forests, they discovered a spider that can control its body when falling. Think about that. Spiders are developing an air force. First was a communist utopia in Texas, now they can glide. We all know what’s next, right? Fully functional flight, missiles, and bombs. We had beef with Russia over this same shit, but spiders get a pass? No!
Obviously, a thinking man can see these signs and begin their eradication from the planet, right? Burn the rain forests! Napalm Dallas! But we aren’t doing these basic tactical measures because the spiders are bribing us and our scientists! That’s right, the Brazilian wandering spider’s venom can be extracted, given to men (old men, obviously) so that they can achieve 4-hour erections! See what they did there? That’s garbage and a sure sign of their evil doings.
In England, spiders have began to invade, sending their most horrible advanced forces.
They have also started another attack in Pennsylvania!
And even Ireland is not safe from invading forces!
And if you still think I’m full of shit, there are videos of spiders congregating, probably planning their next move. All huddled up, looking like a fuzz ball of soft happiness before splitting apart to wreak mayhem on all those around them.
So yeah, spiders suck and must die. We can no longer, as a species, ignore this eight-legged menace, their communist leanings, their current invasions, or their air force. The time is now and our response must be swift, deliberate, and flawless because we are dealing with an enemy that hates us all and wants us to die with boners. Is that how we want to fade away? With grins and a boner with 3 hours and 59 minutes left in it after use? I think not!
Here's The Thing... 