Still fantasy football time and it’s already annoying. Fantasy football used to be fun but, like all good things, it has become stale as more and more people have caught on to it and brought their logic, reasoning, and skills to the game. At one time, the game was left for nerds that liked football and they typically picked players based on name recognition and who they played for. Now the game has been infiltrated by f*cking scientists that look at stats, trends, and other assorted crap that I obviously don’t understand.
There was a time when I wouldn’t pick a player solely on who they played for. You play for the 49ers? Nope, kick rocks, asshole. You suit up for the Cowboys? Drop dead from a cocaine overdose, sport. Now? Now I have to draft players like Jamaal Charles over Beast Mode because some stupid computer told me to. Skynet is real, folks, and it’s ruined fantasy football. It’s to the point where I should just let the computers pick my teams. The best part? Yahoo! actually has a computer that assesses your team and mocks your draft. Why does Skynet have to be so mean? Who taught them to talk trash? (Scientist assholes, that’s who.)
I mean, it’s fantasy for Christsakes! Who fantasizes about reasonable shit? Assholes, that’s who. No one does sexual fantasy role playing and only does reasonable shit. “Gee, Dear, I’d really enjoy jumping from the ceiling and landing just so, but the statistical odds of that producing the maximum amount of pleasure are minimal.” That’s not fantasy, that’s science and math and science and math have no place in fantasy anything.
Because the game has become so mathematical, the next logical conclusion is to enter as many leagues as possible so that the odds of winning anything are increased. I’m in three leagues with the hopes that one of them will let me increase my shit talking abilities. I may suck in two leagues, but the one I’m good in will never hear the end of my genius.
Three leagues is stupid, though. In my day I was only in one league, ever, with friends that I actually knew so that I could talk shit or have shit talked to me. I actually knew all the players. Now I’m in leagues with friends of friends, janitors, Republicans, Truthers, and other people I’d never willingly talk to. That’s stupid. I don’t play games to make friends, I play games to cheat, talk trash, and to humiliate people I care for.
Anyways, my second draft is this Friday and my last one is Monday. I’ll have a rundown on both drafts, but they won’t be as awesome as the first one because I’ll have been beaten down by the pressure of statistics and math and drafting assholes from teams I hate. Thankfully the season is starting soon so at least I’ll be able to see that. How sad is that? I have to pay attention to the actual sport and not the fantasy version.
Here's The Thing... 