Umm, Athletes Aren’t Your Friends
They aren’t. You don’t hang out with them, you don’t have open and honest chit-chats with them – you don’t know them. So stop being thirsty-ass Athlete-Loving-Zombies, you clowns.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but big time athletes are the same over-privileged guys you knew in high school. You remember them, they came to class whenever, they took classes with teacher-coaches, and they tended to get over on all sorts of shit regular dumb ass students didn’t. [Note: I know I’m being a “hater” here, but I don’t care, this shit needs to stop.]
The ones that turned pro are the “good” version of these entitled assholes, by the way. The “bad” version is the one that didn’t grow up to be a professional athlete. You know the “bad” ones, they are the ones that tell you all about their illustrious high school sports career while they’re ringing up your order at Arby’s. (But hey! I’m an associate manager, in five years I’ll be an assistant at my very own store! Do you want any sauces with your order, sir?)
This is why I’m not shocked when I hear of a beloved professional athlete doing something horrible. I may be taken aback, but I’ve never thought, “Gee, I never pegged so-and-so as a coldblooded murder, he always seemed nice to me”, because I DON’T KNOW CRIMINY MCCRIMINAL, AT ALL! For all I know, every single athlete has a Silence of the Lambs pit in their basement, just like anyone else can have a pit of their own (albeit not as fancy as a multi-millionaire’s pit).
I’m guilty of this judgmental attitude about professional athletes, but in reverse. I’ve become so jaded that I assume every professional athlete is up to something. It’s to the point where I’m just waiting on Russ Wilson a prominent good guy NFL QB to be exposed, Tiger Woods style, as a freaky-freak-freak with kids and wives in every city he’s ever visited. But you know where I’m different, i.e. better? I won’t give a shit and I won’t root for Russ this random QB to fail in sports as long as he’s a Seahawk player for my favorite team.
I don’t believe we shouldn’t root for certain players or go on full-blown Hater Patrol (Sgt. Jason, at your service), I’m just saying that giving strangers with PR teams backing them a free pass just because they’re good at sports is stupid and needs to stop. Professional athletes are employees that are popular. You wouldn’t give an accused postal employee or an insane Target checker the unquestioning benefit of the doubt. (In fact, you probably shit on them because you’re late for your shift at Arby’s.) You wouldn’t just assume they’re good people, NO MATTER WHAT, just because they smile a lot. (You know who else smiles a lot? Serial killers. Think about it.) People are varied and complex, no one is as one-dimensional as these athletes are, so stop acting like fools.
Here's The Thing... 