I have three fantasy football teams. It’s hard to track three teams, so I’ve decided to just track players and root the hardest for the ones I have the most on my combined teams. Everyone knows that rooting hard is the main reason players do well. I’ll list the player and use a super code to help in determining which of the three teams he plays for.
A is for team Reek’s Missing Peen
Team Summary: This is the league I co-founded and my buy-in is $50, which I don’t traditionally pay until almost the end of the season because I’m a jerk. This league has mostly family and friends, so bragging rights matter here.
B is for team Shut Up JJ Watt
Team Summary: This is another buy-in league that I don’t pay into until way later in the season because I’m still a jerk. This league is mostly friends and other assorted people I barely know.
C is for team Shut Up Russ Wilson
Team Summary: This is a free league with co-workers, so I have to watch my mouth and don’t really care about it.
QB:
Tom Brady, NE (A B) – Great, I’m rooting for Tom Brady in both of my money leagues. That’s the point though, when money is on the line, I’ll root for anyone.
Teddy Bridgewater, MIN (A)
Eli Manning, NYG (B) – Actually picked him over Brady when we all thought Brady was going to sit four games. #genius
Joe Flacco, BAL (B)
Russell Wilson, SEA (C) – Ugh, this guy. This was an accidental pick because I moved away from my computer and rushed my pick and clicked on the wrong dude.
Matthew Stafford, DET (C)
WR:
Dex Bryant, DAL (A)
Vincent Jackson, TB (A)
Devin Funchess, CAR (A) – I REALLY like saying, “Honey Funchess of O’s”
Percy Harvin, BUF (A)
Calvin Johnson, DET (B C) – Seriously, why is this guy going so cheap?
Steve Smith, BAL (B)
Terrance Williams, DAL (B)
Martavis Bryant, PIT (B) – LOVE saying Martavis!
Allen Robinson, JAX (C) – No clue who this dude is.
Larry Fitzgerald, ARI (C)
Charles Johnson, MIN (C) – Really, never heard of him, either.
Brian Quick, STL (C) – Reminds me of DJ Quik and that makes me smile.
RB:
Christine Michael, DAL (A B C) – Cheap insurance and if he does well, I’ll never stop talking about having him, thrice.
Latavius Murray, OAK (A) – Who?
TJ Yeldon, JAX (A) – What’s a TJ Yeldon?
Tevin Coleman, ATL (A) – First I’ve heard of him.
Ryan Mathews, PHL (A)
Devonta Freeman, ATL (A)
Jamaal Charles, KC (B) – He likes “A” so much he has it three times in his name.
Justin Forsett, BAL (B) – El. Oh. El. at this guy being a top rated RB, NFL.
Joseph Randle, DAL (B C) – Is this the guy involved in the “Spray Tan” thing?
Bishop Sankey, TEN (B)
Melvin Gordon, SD (C) – Dude has the dorkiest name, ever.
Doug Melvin, TB (C)
Rashad Jennings, NYG (C)
TE:
Rob Gronkowski, NE (A C) – Ugh. He’s like my 2 year old nephew in that he acts stupid because people laugh but then goes WAY too far to the point he looks like a 2 year old.
So I’ve been lazy this week on writing because it’s a short week and I’ve been busy. I’m not really apologizing, because I am my target audience and I totally understand my reasoning, I’m just throwing that information out there for myself.
This is the first week of the NFL season! About f*cking time. Maybe we can all get a little less news about Roger Goodell, Tom Brady, domestic violators (that’d be you, 49ers), and all the Man Soap Opera shit that gets really old right around March. Don’t get me wrong, I eat it all up like any other sap because I’m ‘Murican, but it’s old and tiresome.
I do feel that I should chime in on the topics mentioned above, so I’ll get that over with really quick:
I can’t stand Goodell and I love it when he looks stupid. He is the villain of the Man Soap Opera.
Brady is a douche-bro that I hate because he’s living The Dream and I’m not. (Haterz Gonna Hate!)
Domestic Violence and the 49ers are both deplorable and I support neither. (Seriously, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HIT ANYONE, ESPECIALLY PEOPLE 20-TIMES SMALLER THAN YOU, ASSHOLES!)
With that out of the way, lets get to the games!
Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots: Are you f*cking kidding me, NFL? Not only does the first game of the season exclude the Seahawks (because Pete Carroll is an idiot), but it involves the two teams that beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. What a great sign! I’m sure this won’t be a cursed season, at all. God, I already hate football. The Patriots will beat the Steelers and everyone else this season because God hates everyone and they’re mad, which means 16-0. Great! Patriots 24 Steelers 17.
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears: The Battle of the Fatass Fan Bases! I wonder if these two teams have ever played each other before. Of course they have, a million times, which means we’ll all get to hear great stories about their fans and their rivalry. You like black and white pictures! Oh boy, are you in luck! They’ll probably wheel out some near-dead, totally CTE brain dead, guy to talk about the game as an added bonus. I’m willing to bet there will be mention of how the game was better (whiter) back in the old days (whiter days) and how players played the game “The Right Way” (whitely). Packers 24 Bears 17.
Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans: I HATE JJ WATT! He is the defensive Russell Wilson with his fake persona. Golly gee, JJ sure loves the game and plays it THE RIGHT WAY! Did you hear JJ lives in a humble log cabin during the off season? (Hint: It’s not humble at all, it’s luxurious so can it, asshole!) Ugh, this is the third lame game in a row, off to a stellar start, NFL. Texans 24 Chiefs 17.
Cleveland Browns at New York Jets: God, this is a great match up if you like to laugh at the elderly, punch babies, and vote for Donald Trump (POLITICAL and TOPICAL!) Neither team has a QB, both teams thrive in shittiness. Jets 0 Browns 0 Fans -100.
Indianapolis Colts at Buffalo Bills: C’mon with these games! The only interesting things about this game are Andrew Luck’s beard and Rex Ryan’s foot fetish. That’s it. This game would be better if it were played in December because watching the Colts play in the snow would be worth a few laughs. Colts 24 Bills 17.
Miami Dolphins at Washington Redskins:
Dolphins 24 Redskins 17.
Carolina Panthers at Jacksonville Jaguars: Finally, a game that’s at least aesthetically pleasing. These teams sport two of my favorite uniforms in football. Sadly, way too many of my fantasy football players play on these two teams which means I’m not winning shit this season. Cam Newton is still throwing to pretty much no one and Blake Bortles is the QB for the Jags, so this will be a fireworks display on offense (the really cheap safe and sane fireworks.) Panthers 24 Jaguars 17.
Seattle Seahawks at Los Angeles St. Louis Rams: A 10:00 AM PST game in St. Louis? Great of the NFL to stick it to the Seahawks once again. If having Pittsburgh and New England kicking off the season wasn’t enough, having the team start the season with a strong shot at a loss is. The Seahawks have gone 2-3 in St. Louis the last five seasons and the Rams have sucked all five of those seasons because St. Louis is cursed. In fact, between the Cardinals and the Rams, the Seahawks are 8-7 all-time in St. Louis, which is good if you ignore that the games were AGAINST THE CARDINALS AND THE RAMS! Rams 24 Seahawks 17.
New Orleans Saints at Arizona Cardinals: The Saints are going down the tubes and the Cardinals are Carson Palmer’s knee injury away from joining them. I used to like the Saints, a lot. Now? Not so much. Sean Payton is just too creepy to look at, he looks like an old man child. Just spooky. And the post-Katrina stuff is getting old. Look, I’m sure people mean well with these Katrina remembrances, and we’re going to have a million of them this season, but New Orleans isn’t fixed. We can all pat ourselves on the back, but if you feel something patting your back in New Orleans, you’re probably f*cked. Arizona will win this game because, hell, I don’t know, but they will not finish well because that’s their “thing”. Cardinals 24 Saints 17.
Detroit Lions at Los Angeles San Diego Chargers: Why is everyone down on Calvin Johnson? I don’t get it. Did a leg fall off or something? Last I checked he was still awesome, so why are people acting like he’s washed up? Ugh, the Chargers. It’s bad when the only thing people talk about when your team comes up are their uniforms, their wacky QB and his 20 kids, and a possible relocation. These two cities are polar opposites: one is gray, dingy and dead, and the other is sunny and so much fun no one even cares about football. Detroit will win, but will they really win? Lions 24 Chargers 17.
Tennessee Titans at Tampa Bay Bucanneers BucaneersBuckanears Buccaneers: I’m 42 and still can’t spell Buccaneers. Lets see, this game features two rookie QB’s, which should be fun to watch. I don’t like either QB, so I’ll be rooting for defense. The Titans have the UGLIEST uniforms in football, by a mile. The Buccaneers have maybe the weirdest uniforms that just don’t feel right to look at. Buccaneers 24 Titans 17.
Cincinnati Bengals at Los Angeles Oakland Raiders: Can’t spell Cincinnati for shit, either. Apparently we’re at the Spelling Bee portion of the schedule. I’m losing steam here. These games are all pretty much terrible because we have no real clue how good or bad these teams are. “Experts” are idiots and there are always teams that shock you during the season. Maybe it’s time to talk about Brady’s balls again or something because that seems more interesting. No wonder fantasy football is so popular. Bengals 24 Raiders 17.
Baltimore Ravens at Denver Broncos: Hey look! It’s the Broncos with the second shittiest uniforms in football! This game is a perfect example of my last paragraph. Two years ago this was a big deal game. Now? It’s one that features Justin Forcett as a starting RB and noodle-arm Peyton Manning. The Broncos entire season depends on whether or not Manning can actually throw a football, which is crazy when you think about it. Millions upon millions of dollars invested in a team and the main man maybe can’t feel his throwing hand. Not smart. Broncos 24 Ravens 17.
New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys: Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Cowboys 24 Giants 17.
Philadelphia Eagles at Atlanta Falcons: I’m really rooting for Chip Kelly only because I’d love to watch the NFL have to actually adapt and break from the mundane routine of NFL coaching. There was an article on how college isn’t producing NFL-ready QB’s. The common logic is that there are maybe five or six good QB’s a few mediocre ones and a ton of crappy ones. Instead of blaming college football, why not ask why coaches and teams aren’t adapting to the skill sets of incoming players? The league has done pretty much all it can to make life easy for QB’s, so maybe it’s time to start looking at asshole coaches. Eagles 24 Falcons 17.
Minnesota Vikings at San Francisco 49ers: F*cking really? This is the second Monday Night Football game? F*ck you NFL and Roger Goodell. Assholes. Vikings 24 49ers 17.
I love the Seattle Seahawks, this isn’t news to anyone that has spent a few minutes with me. I’ve followed this team for as long as I can remember. I remember how excited I was to get a Sherman Smith football card back in the early 80’s. I remember wanting to be either Jim Zorn or Steve Largent. I’ve rooted for them in Tacoma, Illinois, New York, Green Bay, and Las Vegas. Their worst season, 1992, I won a ton of money on them because their betting lines in Vegas were all jacked up.
Along with my fandom I’ve also invested in the team, financially. I’ve had a Largent jersey, a Jon Kitna jersey, an Kenny Easley jersey, and a Curt Warner jersey. I now have an Earl Thomas and a Marshawn Lynch jersey. I’ve owned season tickets, I’ve spent hours tailgating. And I’ve been crushed by the team’s poor performance way more often than I’ve been elated over their dominance.
What’s the point of this? It’s that I have always been a fan and I’ll always be a fan unless some asshole bastards from Oklahoma come and take the team away. With that fanaticism comes commitment.
NFL jerseys are crazy expensive, I know this. $100 is a lot of cash to drop on a jersey with the name of a player on the back that could be cut at any moment. But if you’re a fan, you’re able to assess those odds, understand that playing careers are fleeting, and commit to the jersey of the player you like the best. Even if the player is cut or is ran out of the league, you’re still left with a “classic” jersey to wear. People still rock Largent and Zorn jerseys. I’ll wear my Thomas and Lynch jerseys way beyond their playing careers because I love those two particular players.
This brings us to 12 jerseys. F*ck those 12 Fan jerseys with Bo Jackson’s junk! A 12 jersey makes it very easy to see bandwagon fans a mile away. It lets you know not to really talk to them about Seahawks history. In fact, the only real reason to talk to a person wearing a 12 jersey is because odds are VERY strong that they are a woman. If it’s a dude wearing one, try really hard not to punch his frontin’ ass.
12 jerseys are the scourge of the Northwest. They symbolize everything thing that is wrong with Seattle-area sports fans. Before their big run under Mike Holmgren, it was rare to see Seahawks gear around town, now it’s all over the place, just like Costco, Amazon, and f*cking Starbucks…and I HATE Starbucks and that POS owner Howie that sold his basketball team to the devils in Oklahoma because his feelings were hurt because basketball players didn’t like him.
Anyway, get off the pot and pick a player, 12th Man jersey owners, no one likes you or your inability to pick a proper jersey. If you can’t decide on a player, just don’t get a jersey and save your money for a triple foam blended latte brewed from beans found only on the east side of some mountain in a poverty-stricken country or whatever. Unless, of course, you’re hot, then give me your number and I’ll ignore the jersey.
Look, this whole insect hate day for Wednesdays isn’t reasonable. I can’t keep up with a weekly insect hate thing because it’d require me to constantly monitor the comings and goings of disgusting things and I choose not to do so. Instead, Wednesdays will be my Hump Day Puking of Random Thoughts day. Don’t get this confused with General Rant Day, those are more specific and well-tuned, Wednesdays will not be as specific or tuned, at all.
I hate the rain! Bring on the droughts I say! I want to grow pineapples and oranges in Washington because I’m sick of apples. Global Warming is my friend. That billions are screwed by the results of dramatic weather and temperature changes isn’t lost on me, but I don’t look at it as a scourge, I look at it as an opportunity. We have water, it’s just too salty, so invent something to fix that on a large scale, scientists. Do whatever it takes to help the other billions of people on earth, just let me enjoy the sun and dryness. Is that too much to ask?
One thing I do enjoy about the rain is throwing things into the gutter and pretending it’s a boat. Then, once the imagination solidifies it’s boatiness, I like to chuck rocks and spit at whatever it is to see if I can sink it. As an adult, I don’t do this enough. Being old has ruined the rain for me. Now when it rains all I can do is worry about leaks in my roof, how the rain is ruining the woodwork (Ha! Wood) at my house, and possible sewer backups. The rain isn’t fun anymore, now it’s just a random ass bill waiting to happen.
Speaking of bills ready to happen. I busted my ass painting over the weekend. I slipped off my bed and painting chair and nearly died. All I could think of while I was falling was to not break anything because that costs money and don’t spill paint, because that costs money. Looking back at my old Brady Bunch memories, I’d have beat the shit out of the Brady kids if those assholes got into a paint fight in my house. “THAT COSTS MONEY, GREG! THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU, GREG?!?!” It’s one thing for Greg to be hitting on Marcia, because who wouldn’t, but getting paint all over the place is unacceptable, especially 1960’s poisonous paint.
Speaking of fruit. I’ve said this a million times, but fruits and vegetables are awesome in theory but very annoying in practice. I bought a tomato the other day and cut it open and it was all mealy. I hate that fruits and veggies can just do whatever the hell they want. No standardization, no accountability, nothing. Grown shit just does whatever the hell it wants and only humans suffer. No wonder we are destroying nature with reckless abandon, nature is asking for it. A tomato should be a tomato should be a tomato. Cut the shit, FRUITS AND VEGGIES, get it together.
Dairy is a fickle bitch in my body. I made homemade ice cream and it’s delicious, except it makes me sick when I eat it. It’s a trade off. I eat the amazing frozen treat and am filled with joy only to have to lay down with my eyes closed waiting for the urge to puke to pass. This is a tragedy of epic proportions. If eating the frozen leavings of an animal’s nipple is wrong, I don’t want to be right…but I also don’t want to be reminded of that consumption the morning after in the bathroom, either. I blame Obama.
Why do we do so much important shit in the morning? I am expected to shave in the morning or I’ll look haggard, but my shaving abilities are severely hindered before noon. “Hey, I just woke up, I’m sleepy, my eyes are barely awake. Seems like the best time to stick a sharp object on my face and make precision cuts while I’m at it. Nothing bad can happen doing that.” Society is always trying to murder a person.
Welp, that’s all I’ve got. Have a grand Wednesday and be careful shaving and eating veggies.
Still fantasy football time and it’s already annoying. Fantasy football used to be fun but, like all good things, it has become stale as more and more people have caught on to it and brought their logic, reasoning, and skills to the game. At one time, the game was left for nerds that liked football and they typically picked players based on name recognition and who they played for. Now the game has been infiltrated by f*cking scientists that look at stats, trends, and other assorted crap that I obviously don’t understand.
There was a time when I wouldn’t pick a player solely on who they played for. You play for the 49ers? Nope, kick rocks, asshole. You suit up for the Cowboys? Drop dead from a cocaine overdose, sport. Now? Now I have to draft players like Jamaal Charles over Beast Mode because some stupid computer told me to. Skynet is real, folks, and it’s ruined fantasy football. It’s to the point where I should just let the computers pick my teams. The best part? Yahoo! actually has a computer that assesses your team and mocks your draft. Why does Skynet have to be so mean? Who taught them to talk trash? (Scientist assholes, that’s who.)
I mean, it’s fantasy for Christsakes! Who fantasizes about reasonable shit? Assholes, that’s who. No one does sexual fantasy role playing and only does reasonable shit. “Gee, Dear, I’d really enjoy jumping from the ceiling and landing just so, but the statistical odds of that producing the maximum amount of pleasure are minimal.” That’s not fantasy, that’s science and math and science and math have no place in fantasy anything.
Because the game has become so mathematical, the next logical conclusion is to enter as many leagues as possible so that the odds of winning anything are increased. I’m in three leagues with the hopes that one of them will let me increase my shit talking abilities. I may suck in two leagues, but the one I’m good in will never hear the end of my genius.
Three leagues is stupid, though. In my day I was only in one league, ever, with friends that I actually knew so that I could talk shit or have shit talked to me. I actually knew all the players. Now I’m in leagues with friends of friends, janitors, Republicans, Truthers, and other people I’d never willingly talk to. That’s stupid. I don’t play games to make friends, I play games to cheat, talk trash, and to humiliate people I care for.
Anyways, my second draft is this Friday and my last one is Monday. I’ll have a rundown on both drafts, but they won’t be as awesome as the first one because I’ll have been beaten down by the pressure of statistics and math and drafting assholes from teams I hate. Thankfully the season is starting soon so at least I’ll be able to see that. How sad is that? I have to pay attention to the actual sport and not the fantasy version.
First things first: there wasn’t an Exercise Review Friday because I was busy Thursday night and Friday night is for relaxing, not writing. I can sum it up like this – exercising was a pain in the ass. I ran once and did the stairs four days last week. This means that running this week is going to blow.
I watched four shitty movies this weekend so that you don’t have to. I don’t like false gravitas, but I will say that my greatness should be remembered for generations to come.
First shitty movie I watched (for you, remember) wasDumb and Dumber To. Ha ha ha! See what they did there with the movie title? Those humorous scamps! The easiest way to explain this movie is that it’s nearly exactly like the first version except the two leads are way older which makes the entire deal sad. It’s one thing for a young person to make funny voices and do stupid shit, but it’s pretty depressing to see an old person try to act young and look moronic. Harry looks lost and borderline mental and housing-impaired. Lloyd looks like Jim Carey and, lets face it, he’s just not funny anymore. Just a bad movie all around, don’t watch it.
My dog Mia poops in twos and that’s weird to me. I mean, she poops once, wanders around, then poops again. Even my older dog Scube looks at her like she’s a bit “off”. I don’t understand this and that makes me uneasy. Whats she up do? What’s her plan with this method? It’s wrong and she needs to stop.
The second bad movie I watched was Sex Tape. I’ll allow this movie for a few reasons. Cameron Diaz running around semi-nude is okay in my book. Carry on, Cameron. There were some pretty funny parts in the movie along with some pretty funny actors like Rod Courdry, that one chick from The Office, and Rob Lowe. Let’s talk about Rob Lowe. His scene in the movie was hilarious. He plays a straight-laced business man (quite the stretch for him, I know) that winds up doing coke with Cameron. The best part was when he says he’s going to put some music on, you know, to lighten the mood, and then cranks Slayer. I will be doing this sooner than later. The plot was stupid and all that, but Lowe cranking Slayer to lighten the mood is just too funny.
Preseason football is a waste of time and energy. They shouldn’t even show these shitty games, let alone charge suckers to attend them. This is a scam on the highest level, on the same level as Donald Trump running for president and me voting for him. (POLITICAL! TOPICAL!)
Let’s Be Cops was the third stupid movie I managed to watch. There were some funny parts but here’s the thing (ahhhh yeah), the shit they were doing was insanely illegal and hard to overlook. It’s hard to suspend belief to that level. These two leads put on cop uniforms, reply to distress calls, have a fake cop car that doesn’t have plates, and get involved in a huge conspiracy that includes a high ranking cop? And in the end, everyone shrugs their collective shoulders and everyone just goes on with life? There were funny parts and the leads worked well together, but it was just too stupid to enjoy.
Painting is a messy, messy, messy job. I don’t recommend painting unless you like pulling dried paint from arm and leg hair. It’s stupid and painful. But on the other hand, my bedrooms look great and mine is probably really inviting for the ladies. You’re welcome, the ladies.
The last crapfest I watched was The Wedding Ringer. I don’t know if it’s because it was the last of the four movies I watched, but this movie made me mad. It was so contrived and cliche. This movie left me wondering how shit like this get made. Who green lights this shit? Who sits around and says, “Yes! Let’s make the millionth version of this tired ass shit and just plug two morons in to the lead roles.” These movies make me think that there’s a Madlibs thing they use in Hollywood where you use the same old story, add two opposites as leads, and then let the magic happen. Wait! Is that why they call these formula movies…the more you know. But seriously, f*ck The Wedding Ringer. I’m not done. In what world does Kelly Cuoco have sexy time with Josh Gad? Even better, in what world does Kelly Cuoco date and marry Leonard Hoffsteder on The Big Bang Theory? You know what? I quit, no more movies for me.
If you had to watch these movies because someone had a gun to your head, I’d rank them thusly:
Sex Tape – because naked Cameron Diaz and Rob Lowe doing lines of coke while blasting Slayer.
Let’s Be Cops – because someone had to be number two on this list.
The Wedding Ringer – because…
Dumb and Dumber To – …this movie was shitty on a whole ‘nother level.
They aren’t. You don’t hang out with them, you don’t have open and honest chit-chats with them – you don’t know them. So stop being thirsty-ass Athlete-Loving-Zombies, you clowns.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but big time athletes are the same over-privileged guys you knew in high school. You remember them, they came to class whenever, they took classes with teacher-coaches, and they tended to get over on all sorts of shit regular dumb ass students didn’t. [Note: I know I’m being a “hater” here, but I don’t care, this shit needs to stop.]
The ones that turned pro are the “good” version of these entitled assholes, by the way. The “bad” version is the one that didn’t grow up to be a professional athlete. You know the “bad” ones, they are the ones that tell you all about their illustrious high school sports career while they’re ringing up your order at Arby’s. (But hey! I’m an associate manager, in five years I’ll be an assistant at my very own store! Do you want any sauces with your order, sir?)
But Jason, I’m just like you!
This is why I’m not shocked when I hear of a beloved professional athlete doing something horrible. I may be taken aback, but I’ve never thought, “Gee, I never pegged so-and-so as a coldblooded murder, he always seemed nice to me”, because I DON’T KNOW CRIMINY MCCRIMINAL, AT ALL! For all I know, every single athlete has a Silence of the Lambs pit in their basement, just like anyone else can have a pit of their own (albeit not as fancy as a multi-millionaire’s pit).
But you’re my man, dog…
I’m guilty of this judgmental attitude about professional athletes, but in reverse. I’ve become so jaded that I assume every professional athlete is up to something. It’s to the point where I’m just waiting on Russ Wilson a prominent good guy NFL QB to be exposed, Tiger Woods style, as a freaky-freak-freak with kids and wives in every city he’s ever visited. But you know where I’m different, i.e. better? I won’t give a shit and I won’t root for Russ this random QB to fail in sports as long as he’s a Seahawk player for my favorite team.
Will you just stop, Jason?
I don’t believe we shouldn’t root for certain players or go on full-blown Hater Patrol (Sgt. Jason, at your service), I’m just saying that giving strangers with PR teams backing them a free pass just because they’re good at sports is stupid and needs to stop. Professional athletes are employees that are popular. You wouldn’t give an accused postal employee or an insane Target checker the unquestioning benefit of the doubt. (In fact, you probably shit on them because you’re late for your shift at Arby’s.) You wouldn’t just assume they’re good people, NO MATTER WHAT, just because they smile a lot. (You know who else smiles a lot? Serial killers. Think about it.) People are varied and complex, no one is as one-dimensional as these athletes are, so stop acting like fools.
When a person hates something, odds are that that person will be swamped with images, talk, and videos of whatever it is that they hate. This is why I’m often on the receiving end of spider stories, pictures, and videos. Why, if I hate something so much, do people feel the need to share that thing with me? Because people are assholes and I hate them as much as I hate spiders (this is untrue, but very dramatic.)
Indiana Jones had an aversion to snakes, I hate bugs, especially their king, the spider. I honestly believe I can kill most mammals and birds. I stay out of the ocean, so sea critters do not worry me one bit. But bugs, especially spiders, ARE EVERYWHERE! My yard is full of spiders and their evil webs of pure evilness. They invade my home, hang out, and act like they belong. (Protip, spiders: YOU DON’T BELONG!)
But what’s worse about spiders is that they are in the news. There are spiders in Texas that have essentially unionized and created one giant spider web. Think about that. Those Texas spider bastards got together and decided to go in on killing and murder and pure creepiness. That’s some next level evil right there. Seriously, look at their work:
No, no, no, no…
In rain forests, they discovered a spider that can control its body when falling. Think about that. Spiders are developing an air force. First was a communist utopia in Texas, now they can glide. We all know what’s next, right? Fully functional flight, missiles, and bombs. We had beef with Russia over this same shit, but spiders get a pass? No!
Obviously, a thinking man can see these signs and begin their eradication from the planet, right? Burn the rain forests! Napalm Dallas! But we aren’t doing these basic tactical measures because the spiders are bribing us and our scientists! That’s right, the Brazilian wandering spider’s venom can be extracted, given to men (old men, obviously) so that they can achieve 4-hour erections! See what they did there? That’s garbage and a sure sign of their evil doings.
And if you still think I’m full of shit, there are videos of spiders congregating, probably planning their next move. All huddled up, looking like a fuzz ball of soft happiness before splitting apart to wreak mayhem on all those around them.
So yeah, spiders suck and must die. We can no longer, as a species, ignore this eight-legged menace, their communist leanings, their current invasions, or their air force. The time is now and our response must be swift, deliberate, and flawless because we are dealing with an enemy that hates us all and wants us to die with boners. Is that how we want to fade away? With grins and a boner with 3 hours and 59 minutes left in it after use? I think not!
Since there are no games of meaning for a few more weeks, I’ve decided to recap my first of three fantasy football drafts.
STFU with this, Jason!
My first draft was this past Saturday for the Tacoma Aroma league. My team, Suck Z Ballz, finished 8 out of twelve teams last season. After this draft, I think another strong showing is due for this upcoming season, as well. I mean, the War Room at team Suck Z Ballz was electric Saturday after obtaining the number two overall pick. GM Jason Kelly received several calls from other GM’s with hopes of a draft day trade, but team Suck Z Ballz held firm and kept its pick.
With the number two overall pick, I selected Jamaal Charles. Some dipshit picked La’Veon Bell with the number one pick, so I essentially had the first overall selection. Marshawn Lynch was ranked the top prospect and Adrian Peterson would have been a natural choice for a team with Ballz in the name, but Charles seemed like the most non-homer safe pick.
My next pick was Calvin Johnson. I’m excited to welcome Megatron to the team and feel that he is a first round talent. But then again, I’m an idiot and Johnson will have a shitty season now. Also like how Johnson is a good fit for Team Ballz, if you really think about it.
With my third pick I snagged Justin Forsett only because he’s breathing and I wanted a running back that wasn’t LeSean McCoy or Melvin Gordon. Really an uninspired pick, but who cares?
In the fourth round I obtained the rights to Joseph Randle because the ability to breathe isn’t enough of a reason to have a lot of faith in Forsett. Essentially I selected two breathers in a row with the hopes one will not be a total shit show.
I picked Martavius Bryant for the only reason being that I really like the name Martavius. I never really heard of him until he showed up on my player list. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Next Man Up is Eli “Motherf*cking” Manning! I picked this asshole to fill a gap until…
…my number seven pick, Tom “Douche Bro” Brady comes off of suspension, whenever that is. I hate Eli so there’s no way he’ll scrape together a few good games and I’ll be conflicted in dumping his ass for Brady. Nope, it’s a safe bet that Eli or someone else will have managed to piss me off enough that even I will welcome Brady with open arms. Eli Manning: Making People Like Even Tom Brady.
After a review of my draft to this point, I realized that I didn’t have enough loose-cannon assholes on my team that are WAY past their prime, so I selected Steve Smith! If anything, I know Smith will smack Eli around in the locker room and make Brady think twice before he shows off his douche bag smirk.
Since I snagged Brady, I decided I’d get a friend to keep him company on the team, and that friend is Brandon LaFell. No idea if he’s any good, but you’ll soon see I went with the gaggle of shitty WR’s and QB’s route in this draft.
Beginning in the tenth round is where the great GM’s separate themselves from the lesser-GM’s. Anyone can pick Eli or Steve Smith in the first nine rounds, but it takes a genius to snag Delanie Walker in the tenth.
Since I have no idea what a Delanie Walker is, I decided to back him (?) up at TE with Tyler Eifert. I think I’ve had Eifert before because that name is funny and seems to have stuck with me. Other than name recognition, I have no idea who this guy is.
The steal of my drafting experience came in the 12th round as this 12th Man selected Steven “Holy Shit, He’s Awesome” Hauschka! This made my draft and locked it up as probably the best draft of the league. Sorry assholes, I win!
Before you think my homerism was fulfilled with my 12th pick, you’d be considered a moron and I’d laugh at you because I went and picked up a Bishop Sankey! Bow Down to Washington! I’ll throw him on the dumpster fire that is my RB platoon.
I have no idea who this Devin Funchess is, but apparently I picked him. Seriously, I know I picked him Saturday, but I still have no clue who he is.
With throwaway pick number one, I got Terrance Williams. I’ve had him before, so at least he knows my system and playbook?
Lastly, Suck Z Ballz’s Mr. Irrelevant is Joe Flacco! Now Smith has a friend on the team and I can decide between Flacco and Manning every week before Brady comes to the team.
I didn’t pick a defense because they are overrated and I like to pick based on weekly match ups. That’s ballsy, so respect my game.
Okay, first thing first – there aren’t spoilers for a show that is over ten years old! If you weren’t able to see this series in over a decade, you can manage a spoiler or two. I hate spoiler alerts. First off, what do people expect when they click on recaps? Why are they even looking for recaps when they haven’t seen whatever it is they are looking up in the first place, unless they have a desire to be spoiled. So shut up about spoilers, in fact, I pledge to never warn about spoilers.
Oz, what a doozy of a show. Man, where do I even start? “Oz” is the street name of the fictional Oswald State Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison set unofficially in New York State. The six-season run of the show ended in 2003 and featured an ensemble cast and, exciting for all, we get to see most of their penises! Hooray for penis enthusiasts everywhere! Also, hooray for prison rape aficionados, too. I tell you, if you like penises and prison rape, this show is for you!
For those of us that aren’t connoisseurs of penis and rape (NTTAWWT), Oz offers drama and creepy action(s). The show, sometimes ham-fistedly, covers all sorts of prison issues, social issues, prisoner rights, and love, I guess. Many cast members come and go, but there is a regular set of characters that we grow to, well, not love, but learn to tolerate. There are two groups of characters – faculty and prisoners.
The Faculty:
Warden Leo Glynn is a longtime employee at Oz that rose through the ranks to oversee the prison. Basically his character boils down to “I’m too old for this shit” so a lot of the time he just sits around reluctantly supporting his employees and prisoners.
Tim McManus runs “Emerald City” in Oz. Em City, as it’s called, is some sort of “make prison better” place that is still chock-full of abuse, violence, and rape. Tim is a stereotypical conflicted bleeding heart liberal that speaks of making prison life better as he continues to be the mayor of Rapeville. (Oh the emotional range his actor, Terry Kinney, fails to convey.) He likes to have sex with his coworkers and spends most of his time being a petty moron.
Sister Peter Marie Reimondo is a nun that, surprise surprise, deals with her faith in the face of the wacky shenanigans that occur in prison.
Father Ray Mukada teams up with the nun and McManus to make life somewhat better for the prisoners, but usually gets stuck in the middle of general goofery and such.
Correctional Officers are pretty plug-and-play with a few regulars. Ultimately, the CO’s randomly take turns at being dicks to the prisoners, sometimes participating in rape, sometimes being petty, and sometimes having a line or two that makes the viewer think they might just be okay, after all. Don’t buy it, though, the “screws” are evil, overall, and no one likes them.
The Prisoners:
Augustus Hill killed a cop during an apartment raid and was pushed off a building and left a paraplegic for his efforts. Hill is also the narrator of the show with these transition speeches between some scenes skits. These scenes are, ahem, F*CKING CORNY! I think I rolled my eyes every single time he gave some heavy-handed bit about this or that with the all-knowing wink and nod at the end to convey to the viewer that they were just given KNOWLEDGE!
Kareem Said is Muslim Imam that blew up a building once or something. He’s basically bounced around life trying to find himself, finally settling on Islam. He’s smart, he’s played by a good actor, and he’s corny as squirrel shit, too. He starts out as pro-black fella only to learn to befriend white devils, which ultimately leads to him being murdered by one…oh well, live and learn.
Miguel Alvarez came to Oz as a boring petty criminal but graduated to having a sweet soul, you know, after he killed a dude or two. He went crazy for a minute, and that was interesting.
Vernon Schillinger is your cartoonish Aryan Nation guy. Dude is pure evil, nothing redeemable about him or his ways. He loves to rape, enjoys inflicting pain on people, has a hobby in murder, and is batshit crazy. I mean, really, he’s a guy you want to die for the entire run of the show, yet he keeps on keeping on. Holy crap do I hate old Vern.
Tobias Beecher was out drunk driving and killed a young bicycle rider. He was a lawyer but quickly became a prison victim and love interest of Vern. Toby went from a whiny white collar Vern appeaser to a bad ass, to some sort of prison lawyer guy.
Ryan O’Reily is typical American Irish punk. He’s also Mayhem from the All State commercials, which is cool. He’s a little shit that is involved with everything that happens at the prison.
Review Continued:
Here’s the thing about Oz, there are so many idiotic coincidences and blatant bullshit scenarios that I sat there a lot of the time whispering, “Are you f*cking kidding me” or “Of course they wound up in Oz”. It’s as if Oz is the only prison option in this fictional world. That is the only way to explain all the stupidity.
Everyone knows everyone at Oz and if someone from the outside gets locked up, they’re going to Oz. Alvarez’s father and grandfather were in Oz. O’Reily’s idiot brother wound up in Oz (after O’Reily had his brother murder the husband of Oz’s lead doctor because he was in love with her.) One CO won the lottery off of an inmates numbers, ran off with $2-million, had a change of heart, and just came back to work his shift at Oz. One prisoner dug out two, TWO, tunnels and was allowed to stay in Em City after his plans failed. I’d think digging two tunnels would lead to life in solitary, but I’m no prison warden.
Back to O’Reily. So he fell in love with the lead doctor. She had a husband and was carrying on with McManus on the side because why not?. O’Reily figures that if her husband was gone, they’d be together. He gets his dimwit brother on the outside to kill the husband, everyone knows he did this and who made him do it, and he’s still sent to Oz and SHARES A CELL WITH HIS BROTHER!!! And the doctor? She stays at Oz! No transfer. No lawsuit. Nothing!
But it gets better. The doctor gets raped outside of Oz and everyone figures it’s O’Reily, who isn’t in solitary forever, and she STILL COMES BACK TO OZ! No transfer, no lawsuit. Jesus! Give me a break!
Oh, and O’Reily’s long lost mother decides to do community service, guess where, OZ!!! That’s right, O’Reily shares a cell with his brother and his mom volunteers at the prison. No conflict there, nope. Same prison that employs the doctor whose husband he put a hit out on.
What else? Oh yeah, people on death row at Oz either get executed super fast or never. There’s really no in between. Either you’re sentenced and executed in a few minutes or you’re on death row forever, or until your prison lawyer of the day (either Beecher or Said) gets you sprung.
God, this show sucked. From the stupid coincidences to the flopping peni to the rape. Pass on this show and save yourself.
Random Thoughts:
Every show starts with HBO’s nudity warning, and I’d get excited every time I saw it, if only for a brief second, before my heart would sink because this show has the wrong sort of nudity.
Really, Vern was so creepy and shitty. I hated him and his smugness. He’s one of those wacky people that think they’re correct and just.
The governor makes way too many visits to Oz. It’s like Oz is the only public enterprise in the show. I doubt my own governor can even spell prison no less visit one every three days or so. He also picked the warden of the prison to be his Lt. Governor. Gee, where can I get a Lt. Governor? Prison, of course.
Everyone dies in Oz yet the Feds are nowhere to be seen. Seriously, civilians go to Oz and get murdered and it’s like “Welp, this is Oz, yo, shit be happenin’ at Oz, wonder what’s for lunch?”
Really, a bus full of civilian visitors crashes on the way to Oz and the basic response, save for story line fodder, is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Here's The Thing... 